By George, I Think He’s Got It!

And so the streak begins…

I had the threat of training wheels being out back on at work this week. I knew I was not only struggling, but that I was letting t get to me, Nd the comment from my boss pissed me off just enough to make sure I was going to do something about it.

And today, I accomplished that goal. It wasn’t the two piece that I wanted, but I finally got two days in a row with a sale, and while I still haven’t made it for that two piece, getting a string started where I feel like I finally know what I am doing on a day to day basis to make this work was all the more gratifying…especially since I didn’t completely believe it was going to happen for me so soon. All the positive thoughts were there, but I honestly felt like since I had at least increased my frequency of days with sales this week, it might still be not too painful if I got a zero today…making it two days in a row that I closed one out though made it feel like I was really on track for what I want to improve on so that I can get promoted as quickly. Apparently that sense of direction and urgency is playing out, since the guy that trained me started talking about me promoting possibly as soon as July first, which would be a full month ahead of the original projection we had talked about only a week ago.

How nice it feels when you can believe in yourself, and other people believe in you, and it all starts to feel like not only is it coming together, but it’s picking up more steam than you thought it would, and you begin to catapult into the reality of the dream you set yourself up for…

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Moving Right Along

Attitude is everything. Today flew by. Perhaps part of it was having an extended meeting at the office before going out into the field. I think more of it was hearing about some of the successes people are having, and really seeing how much opportunity there really is for me at this place.

I like to consider myself somewhat malleable: I have managed to adapt to a number of different work environments in the past several years. I have been in counter food service, residential treatment, juvenile corrections, retail management, founding and nonprofit executive management, and now this. With little exception, I have managed in most cases to gain the trust and confidence of my coworkers, respect and accolades from my managers and overseers, and had the benefits of relative success and incredible knowledge acquisition. As I look at all of these, I keep being reminded of how all these experiences keep making me better, and while there have been times in all of these endeavors that I questioned the magic, or if this was REALLY what I wanted to be doing, I know that every one of them has either gotten me closer to “the dream”, or been a strong complement to that process.

I am still not entirely convinced that this opportunity will be the perfect fit for me. As I continue to presently have two full time jobs: this one, and Aspire, Inc., there is a big part of me that wonder if I will ever find a single perfect match, and I am reminded how I was told in the 7th grade this would be one of my most difficult struggles. I can honestly say I am beginning to really enjoy the work I am doing with this new job, and I can tell you the potential is tremendous. I let my supervisor in on my goal to be in management by the first of the year, and to hear such a positive reaction from someone who has been with the company for a year and a half and not gotten there yet was both flattering and encouraging. The fact that after a week he had no doubts that I cold be in that role on my timeline made me feel great. There was even some confusion when I started talking about it, and when he thought I was talking about being a supervisor by the end of the year, he seemed poised to tell me that I wasn’t being ambitious enough, as if he believed that expectation was selling myself short. I haven’t made a sale yet, but there were two things that really hit me today: the first was that just by a law of averages, once I have the store to myself on Saturday, ALL the sales that get made will be mine, and that once I break through that barrier, I know the success will simply start to flow naturally. Especially now knowing that my goals are more than realistic, and that there are going to be people encouraging me to achieve them, I feel like I may really be able to have the kind of success that I want to have at any, but particularly this job.

So much of my life has been motivated by fear and the need to find a way to survive. I got a brief but distant glimpse of what that could look like when I was working at the last job I left. For the first time, I feel like I really do have control over my destiny, and that life is not a waiting game for me to keep looking around for the perfect fit. I can do incredibly well at this job, AND still maintain the nonprofit I founded to fulfill my desire to become a philanthropeneur. I can become a business leader in this industry AND work to empower people and communities through my charitable and philanthropic efforts. I can enjoy doing something that I know I am really good at, AND continue to build on doing something that I already have a passion for.

I’ve never believed before so strongly: life really is what you make of it.

Better Busy Than Bored

So it’s always nice when the guy training you offers to take you out to breakfast. It will officially be a week at work today, and I get the impression they are pretty pleased with me. The people at work seem to all be very friendly, if not sometimes bordering on the cheesy side, but at the same time, it makes the day go by pretty quickly when we spend our first hour of the day I. Some sort of training mode, with all the excitement, and then go out into the field to do our sales work.

It’s not my ideal job, to be perfectly honest, but there is some pretty good opportunity to move up rather quickly, and while I feel like I am doing well here, I know there is somewhere else I would rather be, doing something that I am happier doing. I can honestly say I LIKE this Jon, but I am also pretty sure it is something that I do not think I will ever LOVE doing, if that makes sense.

For now, I have stopped sending out new resumes, and am taking a little more of a passive approach to things, but that stems more from just the sheer time constraint involved in an hour to hour and a half commute each ay to work on public transit. I don’t mind taking the bus / light rail, but I know that I will have a lot more time once I get back on my feet and get a car again. I did hate having a car payment, but there was also an incredible amount of pride that I felt in knowing that I was back to a pace in my life where I could afford to take on.

I’ll be getting back to that soon, and soon will be able to do it without needing so much help from friends. Somehow I can just feel it.

Congratulations, goodbye, don’t bother

So sometimes the truth hurts, but at least it’s the truth, and at least I finally have it.

I usually think myself a pretty good judge of character. You lied. You lied about virtually everything. You manipulated and omitted facts, and held me accountable for all of the truth, AND the lies. No wonder I was so confused and frustrated so much of the time. There was a time I wanted to understand your motivations for your actions and deceptions, but now in the end, I just really can’t care anymore. It is impossible to invest anything into something that makes so many unrelated and fictitious twists and turns, that it can no longer be followed. There was a time I wanted to fight for what I thought I was putting my faith in: I will still fight for the things I believe in, I just no longer have any hope or delusion that they might be a part of you, so I can concentrate on looking for where they might be in someone worthy of my attention. You were the very fortunate benefactor of my misjudgment: I invoked so many of the things I seek into my vision of what I wanted you to be, and perhaps that is my fault for putting too much pressure on you to live up to that. But this could have all ended so much better if you had just once tried to be honest with me, instead of making things worth at virtually every opportunity. Whether done consciously or not, and I know your actions were motivated and driven by both, you proved yourself to be the coward and the dog that you so often even stated you weren’t but that others would say you were.

Were you something to me, I would probably be wanting to give my congratulations, and well wishes that cubby makes you happy, and that you are able to move forward with your life on a path that fulfills you. However like so many of my well wishes or messages of any kind, his too would, probably not be read at all, or maybe perhaps slimmed for what context to remove for another confrontation that might be needed to skulk away conveniently as the accuser. I would like to think in some fantasy that you saved at least some of my commentary, and that you might revisit it someday when you are more ready to hear it, or at least more ready to see it for what it is: the words of an individual who, despite any of the difficulties they have faced, still believes in many ideals that while many of us strive toward them, even the best of us find ultimately unattainable; for those of us who continue the struggle find that moving even just a little bit closer to those ideals makes all the difference, even if we never complete the journey.

It has taken me perhaps longer than it should have to get to this place. I know that my reliance on some sort of factual corroboration to my own conclusions has held me back. I find it not surprising, although certainly consistent with your character, that I should have heard none of what I needed to hear from you. But perhaps that is what has made my resolve now even stronger in my own perspective. I could have been the best thing that ever came into your life, and I’ll admit there was i time I mistook you for the individual that I thought might be that for me. My projections on to you are what they are, and while they were temporarily misplaced with you, the beauty in all of this is that for the first time in a long time, I can take them back, still hold them close, and be ready to explore them with the next person that I choose to embark on a journey of getting to know. This Is the proof that previous mistakes that had resulted in a questioning of my faith have been learned from, and no longer will hold me back or cause me to hesitate upon the chance to move forward: to me this would be a true indication of survivorship. I am better for having muddled through the past three months, and it is really just to bad that so much of that was missed by both you and the person that should have been there instead. But I will find them, and at least now I know not to be afraid of how happy I really will be when I am right.

So off into non-existence you go, fortunately taking nothing of mine with you. This time I am strong enough and smart enough to hold on to all of it and look at it just like I did as if we had never met. The benefits of my experience are still there, but this time I get to say that the teacher really was me, and that I maybe benefitted from the use of a prop or a puppet in the process, but those are all tools that I would have had at my disposal anyway. The fact that they might have breathed once in a while is honestly irrelevant, since the process and results would have been exactly the same. You no longer exist in my world, because you never wanted to make a contribution to it. So your welcome: you’re off the hook. Just don’t bother coming around my sandbox anymore. I have no use for anything that’s just going to be getting in the way…

Working Weekend…

Can’t believe it will be Monday tomorrow, and it will all start again. There was no resting this weekend: helping a friend move int my little place and getting him settled on the futon / me settled with so much less space to move in…I worry if this will work should there be any need for a timeframe longer than a couple months, if that. I spent most of today feeling trapped in my room, trying not to wake him as I crept out to the hall to get some laundry done, and then when he did wake up, it was barely enough time for me to cook dinner and he was back to sleep. Watching tv or movies on my computer or iPad is just not the same when my 46″ flatscreen is on the other side if the wall in front of me. Even if it is mostly background noise while I am doing computer things or whatever, it seems so much less comforting when it’s coming from my laptop.

But it was a productive weekend, all things aside. My apartment is a lot cleaner, my laundry much closer to being clean and organized instead of piled at the foot of my bed. I have a full refrigerator, with things both prepared already and things that I can choose to prepare as the week goes on. I seem to feel like I have a purpose to my activities as I get ready to start the week, even if I have no sense of direction or where I should be trying to go…

There’s a part of me though that feels like just having the desire to do something is an improvement…