So I have a bone to pick with some folks. My disappointment – and yes in some cases anger – lies not in the choices you have made. It lies not in the fact, although I had originally hoped otherwise, that we would maintain the relationships we had created before any tensions might have been created. My issue is with your character, or particularly lack thereof. Why you would tell me one thing and then move in a completely different direction speaks to your inability to tell the truth and own your shit. I have no problem conceding that I have my faults and that I have done things at times that were less than reflective of the person that I try to be. That being said, one thing I can say with confidence: I own my shit, and I have made great efforts to provide a complete and fair picture of questionable or dicey situations when speaking to you. Some of you have even commented that my accounts, while perhaps at times more informative or blunt than necessary, are of a particular fairness and consistency. My intention was never to undermine your opinions of any other person involved in a given situation, or to raise myself above repute. Again, I own my shit. It has become quite clear to me, however, that there are others who are incapable of taking responsibility for themselves or their choices, so much so, as to lie to me and then lead me on until I have to realize for myself that this is their character. This has nothing to do with the players that I was involved with when speaking to you about the situation. This has to do with you and your deception and lack of character. I thought I had made it very clear that I was not trying to put you or anyone else in the middle of this, and that I gave you every opportunity to give me an honest answer about what choices you made – and yes I now realize you made them probably long before any lies that you told me. So you lied, or maybe changed your mind; I’m a big boy, I can handle something like that. Instead you backed yourself – and me – into a corner, building further stress and tension, that I had already given you the opportunity to avoid. You had your chance to tell me what you thought of me when I came to you and engaged you in a conversation about what was going on. The least you could have done was given me the respect of being honest with me. Again, unfortunately, this is about your character, which I now realize sucks ass. Bottom line: a lot of unnecessary energy for both of us could have been better utilized, instead of my trying to reach out and your having to make up petty excuses because you were not enough of a person to be honest on a number of occasions. Thank you for wasting my time, but at least now allowing me to carve a place in my life for people that want – and deserve – to be there.
This summer has not been an easy one, but nonetheless it is one that I am ever thankful for, and the results of it are anything but extraordinary: despite all of the bad, much has now come full circle again. I feel almost complete, but a hell of a lot more so than I did before it all began. I got rid of a lot of the bad things in my life this summer: people that were dragging me down and holding me back, vices that were making it impossible for me to feel like anything but a hypocrite and a joke to myself, and attitudes that were making it impossible for me to envision, let alone achieve the things that I wanted for myself. I have stared to put back into my life the things that really matter to me: I researched apartments for myself last week; I visited a skating rink and am looking for a place to get my blades sharpened; I went to Church for the first time in a LONG ass time.
There have been some really hard days, but there have been some incredible people who have helped me through them, and I will never be able to fully repay the efforts of these individuals to come close to all of the good that has come to me in literally just the last 24 hours. Aspire, my dream and my labor of love, will launch it’s first major philanthropic campaign in November with a huge event. We have a venue, we have supporters, we have a vision, and we have an incredible concept for not only the launch party of the Fairygodmother Project, but for the launch party as well. Today, after over three years of being unemployed, I was made an offer for a job working with the State, and working back in one of my most comfortable elements. This job will not only allow me to support myself, but I know it will keep me energized, and will allow and ignite a fire to continue my work with Aspire. Tonight, I was recognized as one of the 25 most influential young business professionals in Colorado: an honor which I am overwhelmed and astonished to have such esteemed company. At the event, I also received a cabled package worth over $2000 that will allow me, along with the new job, to get a new place that I truly WANT, rather than one that I can just afford. I also got a text that one such place, originally out of my price range (but not anymore), has just come available and I could move in as early as October 1.
I have said it before, I will say it again, and I hope that those who hear it will keep believing: KARMA NEVER NEEDS HELP. I know a lot of people who have had their own difficulties over this past spring and summer, and I have continued to say to them that we are good people; as long as we stick together, good things will happen for us, because we are good people and we deserve them. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt so right about something, and just as long since I have felt so good about so many things.
For those who are starting to turn the corner, keep going. We all need to stick together to maintain this momentum. To those who are still struggling, I am sending my energy your way. I want to stick with all of you because 1) KARMA NEVER NEEDS HELP, and 2) WE ARE ALL GOOD PEOPLE, AND WE ALL NEED TO STICK TOGETHER: STICKING TOGETHER, GOOD THINGS WILL HAPEN FOR US BECAUSE WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE AND WE DESERVE IT.
Enough of me on my soapbox for tonight.
I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry I can’t be there for you. But you made it this way.
In fact it seems this is how you wanted it some time ago. If I remember right, the last time i tried to give you a hug you pushed me away; it wasn’t long after that I saw you seeking and accepting comfort elsewhere. I still can’t figure out why you felt the need to shut me out. If one were to look at where my talents lie, I’m pretty confident that offering genuine support and care would be a pretty consistent list-topper. You went down a path without me, and so I tried to follow, despite the obstacles and detours you put in my path. Then you went down a road that I could not even follow you on. I still don’t understand why it is that you felt the need to run away.
I do hope that you find someone who will give you whatever it is that you need: now and in why ever the future holds for you. The truth is that despite what has happened I never gave up on us, even long after you did. Why could you not have just been honest with me? Why did you have to drag this all out when there was literally nothing keeping you here, and torture both of us to co-exist in a world where neither of us could be happy anymore? Why did you have to hurt me in order to walk away from what you had already given up. If you had only told me not to follow you when you walked out, I could have respected that, even if I know it would have hurt. I still don’t know whether to be angry at you or sorry for you, that you were not able to be honest with me or with yourself, and let this charade go on as long as it did until you made it ugly. All I was asking for in the end was a simple acknowledgement, something that you apparently felt that I had no business asking for, even months earlier, because your expectations and demands to have your needs fulfilled were not important enough to give me what I so desperately was asking for over and over again.
I thought at one point that I had found the ideal I was hoping would complete that part of me that would allow me to move on to even greater happiness. In destroying that perception, you have shown me that it is not necessarily the ideal that gives us the greatest gifts. I have been hurt, inconvenienced, ignored, lied to, made a mockery, and yes, brutalized, yet I have to say despite all of that I feel more fulfilled because of the love that has been shared with me, not in crisis, but that was always there, and that I am ever so grateful for. There are many more obstacles that you have left in your wake, but something tells me I will have an easier time navigating those than you will when your steady waters experience a swell.
And now I know that one particular swell has become a terrible storm. And again, I wish I could be there for you, despite your past reluctance to accept my care. I have, do, and always will love you, whatever trickery or assumption on my part may have led to those feelings. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry I can’t be there to have a moment of peace and not feel the need to keep a brave face all the time. I know how incredibly brave you can be, but remember that I also know how incredibly sensitive you are underneath your thick shell. It was that sensitivity, I think, that I fell in love with; the shell that I embraced with a smirk and a smile. What parts of me did you embrace, no, recognize or acknowledge for anything of value? I know that there is a lot I have to give here, and it is disheartening that one can be so stubborn to not even take a glance at what was here for you. And I know you are hurting. And I am sorry. And I wish I could be there for you, even if you didn’t want me to be. But I can’t go to where you have gone. And I am sorry.
The Good: I can’t express how much of an impact it has when I feel appreciated. I don’t mean parades or carnival or the like every time I do something right, but just that fact that I can tell there is absolutely no pretense or judgement from my friend Bill whenever I do something makes all the difference in the world. Immediately it reinforces that I do have some value and that my actions are more than random events, but they have an impact on both myself and the people around me. I have seen how it can be a lot easier to criticize someone for what they did not accomplish or did not complete to certain expectations or standards first hand, and I know how much it wore me down to not wanting to do anything at all because there was no opportunity for me to get any sort of positive outcomes even from the most successful performances. Just the opposite has happened in the case of where I am now. Not only am I feeling like there are things I do well and are appreciated, I continue to want to do them more often and with better outcomes than the last time, not only for the reinforcement that I gain externally, but I am also beginning to see the internal reward for these things, and no longer worrying about fighting off the criticisms of incomplete or less than par, or whatever you want to call it. Even when I make mistakes, or something goes wrong, I look at it now as an opportunity to learn, rather than subject to avoid. I am becoming more assertive and bringing topics to the conversation that are relevant and enriching to me, and while some of them may seem remedial or fundamental or elementary to an outsider, the encouragement I get for WANTING to improve is an incredible reward.
The Bad: While I was able to accomplish a number of necessary tasks in town today, there are still some lingering priority matters that are becoming increasingly frustrating. I feel like I was led on a bit of a wild goose chase tonight to resolve some of this, and don’t really have anything to show for it other than added aggravation and worry that some of this may never really be resolved. For as much has been accomplished and set for the, there are a few key elements that are becoming increasingly hard to deal with, and the ones that fare still at this point open-ended are of significance. Tis makes them burn with ever-increasing brightness at the front of my mind, and keep me distracted form a lot of other things that I am needing to put effort into, and now those too are starting to spark an urgency that can quickly lead to the panic of fires or worse yet, the cold embers of damage control. Unfortunately i am not the only one with control in these matters, and while I have done my best to be cordial, fair, and even accommodating, it should come as no surprise, but is infuriating that this is not reciprocated.
The Really Really Ugly: I think that we all have a couple of things that we struggle with, for whatever reason, and these things repeatedly do significant damage to our cores or our characters. Some of us as we become better adults, learn means of compensation or ordeal themselves to take these things head on, to varying degrees of success. One of these that I am constantly hurting myself and others with is my floundering or even outright avoidance of communication when there is difficulty, or in how I present that difficulty to others. Tonight this hurt one of the people who has so instrumental in my continuing to have all of my wordily possessions, a place to lay my head at night, and who has shown me such amazing love over the past few weeks, that it hurt them I think even more than doubly that I did not communicate as well as I should have. I had borrowed Bill’s car to go in to the city to get some things accomplished, and when things began to get difficult for me, my attention to respecting his stake in the situation was ignored. It is something I have done to a number of people on different occasions, and for different reasons. The situations leading totem are usually different, but my actions and the overall outcome caries a cloud that becomes increasingly hurtful to others, painful to me, and really a very accurate portrayal of me that I want to be the opposite of. In tonight’s case, there were some things that I got a bit misled in trying to accomplish, and yes my phone did lose power. But there is a bigger picture bottom line that I had his car, and I had left in the morning with a plan for half a day in which my return journey ended at midnight. I don’t remember what time our last contact was, but that it had been hours was inconsiderate, selfish, and just plain wrong. I know all of this and what bothers me most I think, is that I continue to do the same exact thing when I get over involved in something, or when I start to fear even the smaller t repercussions, I go completely over the deep end and turn what is probably a small matter of unanticipated consideration into a catastrophic calamity that has no chance of generating any sort of positive outcomes. I know that I don’t want to continue to do this, yet I do anyway. I know it’s consequences, yet can’t seem to stop myself from reverting to these behaviors that I know I want to avoid, and so once I start them, they become the beginning of even deeper and more sinister behaviors that are in avoidance of the consequences for the first ones. Even right now, I am hiding in my bedroom, and know Bill is out there, angry and hurt, and I am avoiding him, partially in the hopes he will cool off, but also in the hopes that I can simply avoid addressing this when the time comes. I can justify my avoidance with completely logical or even well intentioned rhetoric at times, but the fact remains: I am masking a much bigger issue that I don’t know how to address, and don’t know that I have the ability to overcome, not because I am incapable, but because the problem itself is cyclically symptomized by my avoiding it until something else becomes more pressing or distracting and I can avoid facing it at all.
So Bryan decided to stop by unannounced yesterday, which sent me for a bit of a spell. Is it so unreasonable of me to demand that I get some sort of warning before he shows up, especially when he decides to bring his partner in crime and hid him away from me for the first hour he is here? i guess his deception will simply continue like it had for the past several months, and I’ll just have to see it for what it is. Getting any of my things or the things I need seems to be like pulling teeth, and considering that he goes on vacation tomorrow, it should prove very interesting to see how he expects to get the rest of his things, since it also seems he is assuming he can just leave behind the things he doesn’t want and have me take care of them. nice…
Have at least managed to get some things organized for myself this week, and good thing, since it appears I am going to be renting a truck on Saturday to move up to my friend Bill’s for the time being. A couple friends have wait they should have a couch at least for me to stay in town on a couple nights a week, until I get everything settled with my finances getting rearranged. Letter to the landlord goes out today, and tomorrow will be a number of phone calls to find out what parcels of mail are in transit already and what things will need to be redirected etc. Need to get my change of address taken care of at the post office too. It would be not so bad i guess to stay here one more month if I could afford it on my own, but it seems that just isn’t in the cards this week. Nothing is ever easy when life is in crisis.
In unrelated news, my nonprofit now has five Board Members, which should be enough to actually have a meeting next month to get them started watching over me so I don’t have to worry quite so much about EVERYTHING that i am doing to try and make this project work. Other than getting myself personally back on my feet over the next (hopefully) few months, is going to be to keep Aspire up and running and hopefully focus more on funding so that I can ethically ask the Board to re-negotiate the current terms of my salary, which is a pittance of what I am worth and what I should be getting once fully funded. Figuring out how I am going to get an income of $10,000 a month for a startup that is going a bit slower on some things than I had hoped, is going to be somewhat of a rough sell, unless I can get the money I need to get my 1023 processed ASAP. Have to remember to call the Spark Action People tomorrow.
Lots to do, very little time, exhausted but enduring, I know at least things are going in the direction they need to…for now…
Spent almost the entire day it seems, getting work done today. I kind of missed being able to spread out my paperwork on the couch where I could see everything in front of me. Aside from that, there’s not many better ways I can think of to they and make something positive happen right now after what has happened in the last few days. Still haven’t put together a complete plan of attack, but at least for now, it looks like there are a number of options that may allow me to get through this and really be able to concentrate on what’s important: doing the healing I needed to do before I ever met Bryan, take care of the healing that needs to be done now that I have him out of my life, and moving forward with a much better head on my shoulders now that I know I really wasn’t crazy when I thought some of the things I did all this time that he and Rob were teaming up against me to make me feel unwelcome and unsafe in my own home. The hardest part for me right now is trying to figure out how I let such a monster in my life so soon after I had just gotten away from one three and a half years ago, and what made me want to believe so badly that this wasn’t really who he is. For as much as I know I was somewhat stuck here, with a lease in my name, and still no job to pay a wage that would keep me above ground, it saddens me that what kept the two of them here was the cheap rent and the entertainment value I provided for the games they were so cruel in playing. In as much as I was hurting, though, I have been surrounded by some incredible friends who have been insistent in carrying this load with me until I am where I need to be. And many of them are going through their own major struggles right now. I keep coming back to this: the friends that I am connecting with right now and that are giving me so much more that I even at times feel comfortable in accepting, are all here for me for a reason, and while I may not have the financial resources to offer back to them, I hope I am giving them something that will continue to allow me to be among them. We are the good people, and we may be struggling right now, but we are all doing it together, and it is the strength of that togetherness that is going to get us all through this very rough patch, and is going to keep us together to celebrate the good things that we will be ready for in our future.
Keeping this short as it has been a long and exhausting 48 hours and I need sleep to get ready for all that now needs to get done in the upcoming days…
Bryan laid his hand on me. He has been in a relationship with Rob for some time now. All of this has been confirmed. They are both staying elsewhere. I have a lot that I need to do to resolve this.
I also have the most incredible friends to help me through it. I am truly blessed.
Details of all, both recent past and all that is to come will be forthcoming. I just need to document this reminder before sleep: I am a good person and good things will happen for me, and I truly have the most wonderful loving friends that anyone could ever hope for.