Congratulations, goodbye, don’t bother

So sometimes the truth hurts, but at least it’s the truth, and at least I finally have it.

I usually think myself a pretty good judge of character. You lied. You lied about virtually everything. You manipulated and omitted facts, and held me accountable for all of the truth, AND the lies. No wonder I was so confused and frustrated so much of the time. There was a time I wanted to understand your motivations for your actions and deceptions, but now in the end, I just really can’t care anymore. It is impossible to invest anything into something that makes so many unrelated and fictitious twists and turns, that it can no longer be followed. There was a time I wanted to fight for what I thought I was putting my faith in: I will still fight for the things I believe in, I just no longer have any hope or delusion that they might be a part of you, so I can concentrate on looking for where they might be in someone worthy of my attention. You were the very fortunate benefactor of my misjudgment: I invoked so many of the things I seek into my vision of what I wanted you to be, and perhaps that is my fault for putting too much pressure on you to live up to that. But this could have all ended so much better if you had just once tried to be honest with me, instead of making things worth at virtually every opportunity. Whether done consciously or not, and I know your actions were motivated and driven by both, you proved yourself to be the coward and the dog that you so often even stated you weren’t but that others would say you were.

Were you something to me, I would probably be wanting to give my congratulations, and well wishes that cubby makes you happy, and that you are able to move forward with your life on a path that fulfills you. However like so many of my well wishes or messages of any kind, his too would, probably not be read at all, or maybe perhaps slimmed for what context to remove for another confrontation that might be needed to skulk away conveniently as the accuser. I would like to think in some fantasy that you saved at least some of my commentary, and that you might revisit it someday when you are more ready to hear it, or at least more ready to see it for what it is: the words of an individual who, despite any of the difficulties they have faced, still believes in many ideals that while many of us strive toward them, even the best of us find ultimately unattainable; for those of us who continue the struggle find that moving even just a little bit closer to those ideals makes all the difference, even if we never complete the journey.

It has taken me perhaps longer than it should have to get to this place. I know that my reliance on some sort of factual corroboration to my own conclusions has held me back. I find it not surprising, although certainly consistent with your character, that I should have heard none of what I needed to hear from you. But perhaps that is what has made my resolve now even stronger in my own perspective. I could have been the best thing that ever came into your life, and I’ll admit there was i time I mistook you for the individual that I thought might be that for me. My projections on to you are what they are, and while they were temporarily misplaced with you, the beauty in all of this is that for the first time in a long time, I can take them back, still hold them close, and be ready to explore them with the next person that I choose to embark on a journey of getting to know. This Is the proof that previous mistakes that had resulted in a questioning of my faith have been learned from, and no longer will hold me back or cause me to hesitate upon the chance to move forward: to me this would be a true indication of survivorship. I am better for having muddled through the past three months, and it is really just to bad that so much of that was missed by both you and the person that should have been there instead. But I will find them, and at least now I know not to be afraid of how happy I really will be when I am right.

So off into non-existence you go, fortunately taking nothing of mine with you. This time I am strong enough and smart enough to hold on to all of it and look at it just like I did as if we had never met. The benefits of my experience are still there, but this time I get to say that the teacher really was me, and that I maybe benefitted from the use of a prop or a puppet in the process, but those are all tools that I would have had at my disposal anyway. The fact that they might have breathed once in a while is honestly irrelevant, since the process and results would have been exactly the same. You no longer exist in my world, because you never wanted to make a contribution to it. So your welcome: you’re off the hook. Just don’t bother coming around my sandbox anymore. I have no use for anything that’s just going to be getting in the way…

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Parting Ways…I Think…

So I think it MIGHT be time to finally say goodbye once and for all…

I should like to say I put in the good fight for this. I tried to be at my best, and when I wasn’t I tried to be accountable and learn so that WE could be better. Something inside me wanted to believe you were at least worth that, and for a time I am sure I thought you were much more.

You asked me in an email what I wanted out of “us” about a week ago. My answer was reflexive, honest, naked. I took a risk telling you several things in my reply, because it was truly what I wanted and I thought I could trust you enough to at least not hurt me with what I had revealed to you. When I requested that you answer the same question for me, you said you would “soon”, and I can honestly say I think I stopped waiting for “soon” to come more than two days ago.

Things haven’t been perfect, but part of what I loved was that I was learning to be better, or so I thought. I thought my growth would in turn help us to grow closer, and that you would also start to recognize that you were becoming a better person, even if just in my eyes, than I already thought you were.

With our most recent struggle, and I know it was a big one, you continued to do as you have done before, and put me off, or even undermine your integrity with me. Your reasons for your self destruction are your own, but I had offered my support, and I thought that maybe you were starting to show a little more respect for both of us, and not so much fear.

But time to think for you has clearly been more. Time to play, to do your own thing, and to keep me at bay, waiting in the wings that we were both developing a reluctant comfort to my standing in. I had become used to waiting, to chasing, to fighting for both of us because I wanted to believe that there was something incredible we could share together.

I was more than ready to love you. I think I already did. I thought that meant something to you. But your words whisper so much softer than the symphony of actions that you continue to orchestrate, and although there are interludes of beautiful music, the dissonant tones of your careless execution leave me no choice but to find another conductor.

I will value the things I have taught myself because of knowing you. I still believe they do make me better. But just as I have to realize that you don’t want me to be a part of this, I also need to start taking credit for the good things that I do when I do them. It is only now that I realize the muse for my inquiry was inconsequential: I would have found circumstance for these teachings at some point, and you happened to be in my sightline when I began to take notice.

The window will always remain open to show me a different kind of person that you might be someday. I am sad that it wasn’t worth searching for when I was here. You might be worth fighting for, but so am I. I also can’t fight with you for the sake of us anymore. So if someday you find yourself firing up a passion for what might be, then maybe I’ll be ready to take on this journey again.