So I have a bone to pick with some folks. My disappointment – and yes in some cases anger – lies not in the choices you have made. It lies not in the fact, although I had originally hoped otherwise, that we would maintain the relationships we had created before any tensions might have been created. My issue is with your character, or particularly lack thereof. Why you would tell me one thing and then move in a completely different direction speaks to your inability to tell the truth and own your shit. I have no problem conceding that I have my faults and that I have done things at times that were less than reflective of the person that I try to be. That being said, one thing I can say with confidence: I own my shit, and I have made great efforts to provide a complete and fair picture of questionable or dicey situations when speaking to you. Some of you have even commented that my accounts, while perhaps at times more informative or blunt than necessary, are of a particular fairness and consistency. My intention was never to undermine your opinions of any other person involved in a given situation, or to raise myself above repute. Again, I own my shit. It has become quite clear to me, however, that there are others who are incapable of taking responsibility for themselves or their choices, so much so, as to lie to me and then lead me on until I have to realize for myself that this is their character. This has nothing to do with the players that I was involved with when speaking to you about the situation. This has to do with you and your deception and lack of character. I thought I had made it very clear that I was not trying to put you or anyone else in the middle of this, and that I gave you every opportunity to give me an honest answer about what choices you made – and yes I now realize you made them probably long before any lies that you told me. So you lied, or maybe changed your mind; I’m a big boy, I can handle something like that. Instead you backed yourself – and me – into a corner, building further stress and tension, that I had already given you the opportunity to avoid. You had your chance to tell me what you thought of me when I came to you and engaged you in a conversation about what was going on. The least you could have done was given me the respect of being honest with me. Again, unfortunately, this is about your character, which I now realize sucks ass. Bottom line: a lot of unnecessary energy for both of us could have been better utilized, instead of my trying to reach out and your having to make up petty excuses because you were not enough of a person to be honest on a number of occasions. Thank you for wasting my time, but at least now allowing me to carve a place in my life for people that want – and deserve – to be there.
I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry I can’t be there for you. But you made it this way.
In fact it seems this is how you wanted it some time ago. If I remember right, the last time i tried to give you a hug you pushed me away; it wasn’t long after that I saw you seeking and accepting comfort elsewhere. I still can’t figure out why you felt the need to shut me out. If one were to look at where my talents lie, I’m pretty confident that offering genuine support and care would be a pretty consistent list-topper. You went down a path without me, and so I tried to follow, despite the obstacles and detours you put in my path. Then you went down a road that I could not even follow you on. I still don’t understand why it is that you felt the need to run away.
I do hope that you find someone who will give you whatever it is that you need: now and in why ever the future holds for you. The truth is that despite what has happened I never gave up on us, even long after you did. Why could you not have just been honest with me? Why did you have to drag this all out when there was literally nothing keeping you here, and torture both of us to co-exist in a world where neither of us could be happy anymore? Why did you have to hurt me in order to walk away from what you had already given up. If you had only told me not to follow you when you walked out, I could have respected that, even if I know it would have hurt. I still don’t know whether to be angry at you or sorry for you, that you were not able to be honest with me or with yourself, and let this charade go on as long as it did until you made it ugly. All I was asking for in the end was a simple acknowledgement, something that you apparently felt that I had no business asking for, even months earlier, because your expectations and demands to have your needs fulfilled were not important enough to give me what I so desperately was asking for over and over again.
I thought at one point that I had found the ideal I was hoping would complete that part of me that would allow me to move on to even greater happiness. In destroying that perception, you have shown me that it is not necessarily the ideal that gives us the greatest gifts. I have been hurt, inconvenienced, ignored, lied to, made a mockery, and yes, brutalized, yet I have to say despite all of that I feel more fulfilled because of the love that has been shared with me, not in crisis, but that was always there, and that I am ever so grateful for. There are many more obstacles that you have left in your wake, but something tells me I will have an easier time navigating those than you will when your steady waters experience a swell.
And now I know that one particular swell has become a terrible storm. And again, I wish I could be there for you, despite your past reluctance to accept my care. I have, do, and always will love you, whatever trickery or assumption on my part may have led to those feelings. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry I can’t be there to have a moment of peace and not feel the need to keep a brave face all the time. I know how incredibly brave you can be, but remember that I also know how incredibly sensitive you are underneath your thick shell. It was that sensitivity, I think, that I fell in love with; the shell that I embraced with a smirk and a smile. What parts of me did you embrace, no, recognize or acknowledge for anything of value? I know that there is a lot I have to give here, and it is disheartening that one can be so stubborn to not even take a glance at what was here for you. And I know you are hurting. And I am sorry. And I wish I could be there for you, even if you didn’t want me to be. But I can’t go to where you have gone. And I am sorry.