Moving Monstrosity in Motion

So why is it on one of the two days that I have planned for packing that every complication imaginable has to materialize? All of a student the friend who has been staying with me is having guests over to my apartment, and all attempts to try and start organizing things and get them ready for the move are made incredibly complex. I was on a good roll yesterday when I was organizing some files, but now it seems that for every task i take on, the mess just seems to get bigger, and for every box that I empty out, I have less boxed to use for packing my move. I am supposed to go down to see L’s place tonight, but that has already been a three day postponement, and the coordination of our meeting today has been complicated by the baseball game, a friend that she needs to help with their car, and my phone’s coverage currently being more spotty than a Dalmatian.

What would be really nice would be if the people that were present would either help me get things organized or get the hell out of my way. Instead, there are an increasing amount of dishes to clean, more obstacles to move around, and more things that “need ” to be used instead of be packed. I am really getting ready to just start pulling out the funk attitude again and make everyone else feel REALLY uncomfortable so they scatter and I can do what needs to get done.

On Display

I am not a fan of initial interviews: the ones where you go in, they take one look at you, smile, and then say “so we’ll call you soon”. Five minutes of their time is at least a coup,e hours of mine, and I honestly find it kind of insulting and a little bit transparent as well. While we all know that it is illegal to make hiring decisions based on general attractiveness, it is clear that this “initial interview” process is used for just that. This is, after all, a marketing and management company, and it’s impossible to deny that in that type of environment, aesthetics come into play.

And it has nothing to do with my self confidence. I would consider myself of generally above average in the looks department, and I’ve gotten my fair share of favorable comments when I put a minimum of effort into my appearance. That being said, and even though a company might currently have an upper hand in this interaction, I find it kind of insulting to ask me to out in considerable time to prepare to meet, and then only be given five minutes of their time. I know my time is worth more of an investment than that. Fortunately, given what I know about management / marketing, and what I discovered in researching this company, I have plenty of reason to believe that I will be selected for the next round of interviews. I am supposed to hear from them later this afternoon, and while I do want to get back to a paying job as soon as I can, and I will certainly continue to pursue this opportunity, I’m also not holding my breath in anticipation of any type of result after feeling like, at least to this point, my time was not valued as it should have been.

Congratulations, goodbye, don’t bother

So sometimes the truth hurts, but at least it’s the truth, and at least I finally have it.

I usually think myself a pretty good judge of character. You lied. You lied about virtually everything. You manipulated and omitted facts, and held me accountable for all of the truth, AND the lies. No wonder I was so confused and frustrated so much of the time. There was a time I wanted to understand your motivations for your actions and deceptions, but now in the end, I just really can’t care anymore. It is impossible to invest anything into something that makes so many unrelated and fictitious twists and turns, that it can no longer be followed. There was a time I wanted to fight for what I thought I was putting my faith in: I will still fight for the things I believe in, I just no longer have any hope or delusion that they might be a part of you, so I can concentrate on looking for where they might be in someone worthy of my attention. You were the very fortunate benefactor of my misjudgment: I invoked so many of the things I seek into my vision of what I wanted you to be, and perhaps that is my fault for putting too much pressure on you to live up to that. But this could have all ended so much better if you had just once tried to be honest with me, instead of making things worth at virtually every opportunity. Whether done consciously or not, and I know your actions were motivated and driven by both, you proved yourself to be the coward and the dog that you so often even stated you weren’t but that others would say you were.

Were you something to me, I would probably be wanting to give my congratulations, and well wishes that cubby makes you happy, and that you are able to move forward with your life on a path that fulfills you. However like so many of my well wishes or messages of any kind, his too would, probably not be read at all, or maybe perhaps slimmed for what context to remove for another confrontation that might be needed to skulk away conveniently as the accuser. I would like to think in some fantasy that you saved at least some of my commentary, and that you might revisit it someday when you are more ready to hear it, or at least more ready to see it for what it is: the words of an individual who, despite any of the difficulties they have faced, still believes in many ideals that while many of us strive toward them, even the best of us find ultimately unattainable; for those of us who continue the struggle find that moving even just a little bit closer to those ideals makes all the difference, even if we never complete the journey.

It has taken me perhaps longer than it should have to get to this place. I know that my reliance on some sort of factual corroboration to my own conclusions has held me back. I find it not surprising, although certainly consistent with your character, that I should have heard none of what I needed to hear from you. But perhaps that is what has made my resolve now even stronger in my own perspective. I could have been the best thing that ever came into your life, and I’ll admit there was i time I mistook you for the individual that I thought might be that for me. My projections on to you are what they are, and while they were temporarily misplaced with you, the beauty in all of this is that for the first time in a long time, I can take them back, still hold them close, and be ready to explore them with the next person that I choose to embark on a journey of getting to know. This Is the proof that previous mistakes that had resulted in a questioning of my faith have been learned from, and no longer will hold me back or cause me to hesitate upon the chance to move forward: to me this would be a true indication of survivorship. I am better for having muddled through the past three months, and it is really just to bad that so much of that was missed by both you and the person that should have been there instead. But I will find them, and at least now I know not to be afraid of how happy I really will be when I am right.

So off into non-existence you go, fortunately taking nothing of mine with you. This time I am strong enough and smart enough to hold on to all of it and look at it just like I did as if we had never met. The benefits of my experience are still there, but this time I get to say that the teacher really was me, and that I maybe benefitted from the use of a prop or a puppet in the process, but those are all tools that I would have had at my disposal anyway. The fact that they might have breathed once in a while is honestly irrelevant, since the process and results would have been exactly the same. You no longer exist in my world, because you never wanted to make a contribution to it. So your welcome: you’re off the hook. Just don’t bother coming around my sandbox anymore. I have no use for anything that’s just going to be getting in the way…

Just when you think it can’t get (insert adjective here), it does…

So I’d like to think that this applies when things are going well to…

Unfortunately for me, the crap continues to pile up and I just don’t know when it will stop. I have roughly $260 to my name, which might, just might be enough to dig a hole deep enough to crawl into.

I am considering getting a “pod” which would then leave me not enough money to get a flight to Detroit, where my friend deb says I can get a job waiting tables fairly quickly. I am afraid to ask the few friends left that I have here in Denver for any help since I don’t feel right asking for their help after they have either already been so good to me or I am sure that my ask would create a rift.

There are jobs out there, but so far none of them that are considering my résumé as anything serious.

I am more and more at wits end very day. I can’t remember the last night I slept soundly or though the night. I am tired all the time. I am sick of this…

Power Outage

So just when I think I might be making some headway to get back on track, my electric gets turned off.

Why can’t I have things go smoothly, even just for a little while?

I’m not asking for miracles here, really. Just a break to go my way once Ina while would be nice…

Side by Side

Yes I am stealing from the great composer, Stephen Sondheim . But it goes without saying that I do have some really great friends…

One of those great friends got me out of the house, and got me to have a GREAT time at the casino, a place that I normally do not go to or particularly think of as a good time. The fact that I was up about $100 by the end of the night I am sure helped, but more important was the good company. It helped me realize how much I enjoy being social, and how little I have been social and about town, really for a number of years. Either I have not been a position to be social like I would like to be, or I have been in a relationship unhealthy enough on some level that I either didn’t want to (or perhaps was too ashamed to) be out for public consumption.

I think it is high time that I start returning to the type of me that I remember once made me so happy, and that incidentally led me to be in the company of the kind of people I wanted to have in my life. I would normally say that I am still right now not in a position to be going out on the town, but there is also a part of me that feels like a Wednesday night just might be a good night for a warm up, and there’s a new bar in town that I’ve heard good things about. There’s also that extra hundred bucks that I hadn’t planned for that I “earned” , not that I’ll spend it all in one place, and not that I’m sure there aren’t better places for me to be spending it, but I think at least a little bit of that money would be well spent on finding an old friend: me.

Working Weekend…

Can’t believe it will be Monday tomorrow, and it will all start again. There was no resting this weekend: helping a friend move int my little place and getting him settled on the futon / me settled with so much less space to move in…I worry if this will work should there be any need for a timeframe longer than a couple months, if that. I spent most of today feeling trapped in my room, trying not to wake him as I crept out to the hall to get some laundry done, and then when he did wake up, it was barely enough time for me to cook dinner and he was back to sleep. Watching tv or movies on my computer or iPad is just not the same when my 46″ flatscreen is on the other side if the wall in front of me. Even if it is mostly background noise while I am doing computer things or whatever, it seems so much less comforting when it’s coming from my laptop.

But it was a productive weekend, all things aside. My apartment is a lot cleaner, my laundry much closer to being clean and organized instead of piled at the foot of my bed. I have a full refrigerator, with things both prepared already and things that I can choose to prepare as the week goes on. I seem to feel like I have a purpose to my activities as I get ready to start the week, even if I have no sense of direction or where I should be trying to go…

There’s a part of me though that feels like just having the desire to do something is an improvement…

Ominous Outing

So if there’s anything I hate more than moving, it’s helping someone else move. Karma being who she is though, it seems every time I volunteer (yes I volunteered to help) for this Herculean effort of kindness, I end up doing it for someone that packs the same way I do: not at all.

I did resolve this time though that I would be helping MOVE. Not packing, not coordinating, not troubleshooting, and I think this by default, completely off the hook for bringing the emotional glue-stick.

God I hate moving…and I know there’s a lot of other things I NEED to be doing. But Karma likes it when you pay it forward too…so I am bracing myself, packing a lite self preservation kit of Inge I can occupy myself with while packing and organizing and emotional meltdowns are going on. Then I will carry boxes, load truck / car / whatever, and console those that are falling apart…

Damn…can I ever get out of having to supply the emotional glue stick for one of these things?

So I will try to hold firm, because I am in crisis a bit lately too. But I will help too…and hopefully no balances will be tipped today…

Parting Ways…I Think…

So I think it MIGHT be time to finally say goodbye once and for all…

I should like to say I put in the good fight for this. I tried to be at my best, and when I wasn’t I tried to be accountable and learn so that WE could be better. Something inside me wanted to believe you were at least worth that, and for a time I am sure I thought you were much more.

You asked me in an email what I wanted out of “us” about a week ago. My answer was reflexive, honest, naked. I took a risk telling you several things in my reply, because it was truly what I wanted and I thought I could trust you enough to at least not hurt me with what I had revealed to you. When I requested that you answer the same question for me, you said you would “soon”, and I can honestly say I think I stopped waiting for “soon” to come more than two days ago.

Things haven’t been perfect, but part of what I loved was that I was learning to be better, or so I thought. I thought my growth would in turn help us to grow closer, and that you would also start to recognize that you were becoming a better person, even if just in my eyes, than I already thought you were.

With our most recent struggle, and I know it was a big one, you continued to do as you have done before, and put me off, or even undermine your integrity with me. Your reasons for your self destruction are your own, but I had offered my support, and I thought that maybe you were starting to show a little more respect for both of us, and not so much fear.

But time to think for you has clearly been more. Time to play, to do your own thing, and to keep me at bay, waiting in the wings that we were both developing a reluctant comfort to my standing in. I had become used to waiting, to chasing, to fighting for both of us because I wanted to believe that there was something incredible we could share together.

I was more than ready to love you. I think I already did. I thought that meant something to you. But your words whisper so much softer than the symphony of actions that you continue to orchestrate, and although there are interludes of beautiful music, the dissonant tones of your careless execution leave me no choice but to find another conductor.

I will value the things I have taught myself because of knowing you. I still believe they do make me better. But just as I have to realize that you don’t want me to be a part of this, I also need to start taking credit for the good things that I do when I do them. It is only now that I realize the muse for my inquiry was inconsequential: I would have found circumstance for these teachings at some point, and you happened to be in my sightline when I began to take notice.

The window will always remain open to show me a different kind of person that you might be someday. I am sad that it wasn’t worth searching for when I was here. You might be worth fighting for, but so am I. I also can’t fight with you for the sake of us anymore. So if someday you find yourself firing up a passion for what might be, then maybe I’ll be ready to take on this journey again.

Killing Me Softly (and slowly)

I just really want to know when this descent will end…

I have (had…I’m still not sure which) a boyfriend that continues to plague my mind with thoughts of how good we are when things are (were) good…and how bad they are right now…who continues to refuse to face me father our last regiment…

I still have job prospects that are minimal at best, and that only seem to get worse when passwords to major job hunting sites continue to not work or let me in to those sites to try and make any progress…

I am afraid to look at my checking account balance since I have no idea what it is and if there is enough money to cover the rent…

My electricity got turned off this morning, and it seems that may have triggered the entire building going off in the process…

I am supposed to have my apartment inspected today, and there is now no way to vacuum the carpets or do the laundry since the power to the building has gone out…

Mother’s Day is coming…but I don’t know which Sunday it is…

And I cancelled my credit card the other day to try and prevent the car payment for the car I no longer own from going through…

And since I didn’t check my bank account it may have gone through anyway…

This feeling in the pit of my stomach, which I assume may be due to the panic attacks I keep having, just won’t seem to go away…

But I have my life, since I woke up this morning…

And I have my health, which as one can imagine is hanging on a somewhat slippery slope…

And I just love feeling like I am responsible for all of this…

And that I have failed so miserably…

And that I deserve this…

Misery…