Tired Apathy

Just having one of those days I guess. Feeling completely unmotivated to do anything. Is this just a breakdown from working so much on Aspire, as well as fruitless job hunting, and still feeling like I am getting nowhere? Am I tired, or am I burnt out? Or do I just need to REALLY let myself take a day to myself once Ina while that isn’t forced upon me or the result of feeling like this? I don’t know. For right now, all I want to do is sit here and eat candy and maybe watch some TV, if I can find the damn remote…

Long Week Already and Big Weekend Ahead

So Bryan decided to stop by unannounced yesterday, which sent me for a bit of a spell.  Is it so unreasonable of me to demand that I get some sort of warning before he shows up, especially when he decides to bring his partner in crime and hid him away from me for the first hour he is here?  i guess his deception will simply continue like it had for the past several months, and I’ll just have to see it for what it is.  Getting any of my things or the things I need seems to be like pulling teeth, and considering that he goes on vacation tomorrow, it should prove very interesting to see how he expects to get the rest of his things, since it also seems he is assuming he can just leave behind the things he doesn’t want and have me take care of them.  nice…

Have at least managed to get some things organized for myself this week, and good thing, since it appears I am going to be renting a truck on Saturday to move up to my friend Bill’s for the time being.  A couple friends have wait they should have a couch at least for me to stay in town on a couple nights a week, until I get everything settled with my finances getting rearranged.  Letter to the landlord goes out today, and tomorrow will be a number of phone calls to find out what parcels of mail are in transit already and what things will need to be redirected etc.  Need to get my change of address taken care of at the post office too.  It would be not so bad i guess to stay here one more month if I could afford it on my own, but it seems that just isn’t in the cards this week.  Nothing is ever easy when life is in crisis.

In unrelated news, my nonprofit now has five Board Members, which should be enough to actually have a meeting next month to get them started watching over me so I don’t have to worry quite so much about EVERYTHING that i am doing to try and make this project work.  Other than getting myself personally back on my feet over the next (hopefully) few months, is going to be to keep Aspire up and running and hopefully focus more on funding so that I can ethically ask the Board to re-negotiate the current terms of my salary, which is a pittance of what I am worth and what I should be getting once fully funded.  Figuring out how I am going to get an income of $10,000 a month for a startup that is going a bit slower on some things than I had hoped, is going to be somewhat of a rough sell, unless I can get the money I need to get my 1023 processed ASAP.  Have to remember to call the Spark Action People tomorrow.

Lots to do, very little time, exhausted but enduring, I know at least things are going in the direction they need to…for now…

So nice to have a real weekend…almost

Volunteered for the Mile High Mrder Mystery Race yesterday and had a lot of fun.  All the different stations seemed to have different drinking games, so didn’t feel bad that people were playing It Gets Dicey at ours.  The two best things about the day were that my station partner was Jami Duffy, the Executive Director for the Flobots, who do a lot of philanthropic work.  We got to talk for the better part of the day between race participants, and she gave me some really great feedback and advice.  They also had a leadership training program that they don’t use any  more and sounds a lot more technical and skill based than the curriculum I am putting together.  It sounds like, among other things, she is wiling to share her curriculum and materials with me as I am developing my curriculum!  The other part was that we were at they really cool bar called Prohibition, and where I will definitely go back to.

Today I am off in a little bit to meet with the Artistic Director of And Toto too Theatre Company, Susan Lyles, to get some paperwork from her that I want to have cleaned up before the next Board of Directors Meeting.  I serve as their Vice President, and have loved every minute of it so far.  It’s really nice to be working with a group where I was a total outsider, but that has welcomed me so well.

Tonight is confrontation night with Bryan.  Won’t go into the long sordid details, but needless to say, we blew up at each other on his way to work, which gives me a pretty clear indication that he has decided he no longer wants to be in this relationship:  a sentiment that I am pretty sure he felt several weeks ago, and which he has refused to resound in anything other than refusal when I ask  hm to start acting like he wants to be here.  More recently, he has even just ignored me  unless it is to criticize me, give me some sort of order, or create an uncomfortable situation for me.  I have been operating for the last week like I am single, even though I still have an offer on the table for him to stem up to my dam ends, which have now become itemized in a written letter after he walked out on a conversation with me last week.  I am also starting to look for a new place, for a variety of reasons, but eedless to say, whether Bryan comes with me oct not is not a factor I am currently considering in my search.

Tomorrow will be back to full time work all day long, ut I think  am going to surprise an old friend and go to a pot luck event she is hosting.  It has been really good to have a social weekend again.  I haven’t had one in a long time, and although my back steel feels awful, I feel a lot better.