Teaser

It has been a VERY long 13 days, working my marketing job and getting what little I could accomplished for Aspire, Inc. I have managed to have some fun too, and am quite honestly amazed at what a really great two weeks it has been. Not quite sure what to do with a day off, completely, from everything (except maybe a phone call and some paperwork – being a workaholic is a blessing and a demon all the time). Will spend some of that time jotting a few anecdotes in here that I know I will want to remember. The last several days have been hard, but ending on a high note and getting my work mojo back at the end has made it all worth it.

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By George, I Think He’s Got It!

And so the streak begins…

I had the threat of training wheels being out back on at work this week. I knew I was not only struggling, but that I was letting t get to me, Nd the comment from my boss pissed me off just enough to make sure I was going to do something about it.

And today, I accomplished that goal. It wasn’t the two piece that I wanted, but I finally got two days in a row with a sale, and while I still haven’t made it for that two piece, getting a string started where I feel like I finally know what I am doing on a day to day basis to make this work was all the more gratifying…especially since I didn’t completely believe it was going to happen for me so soon. All the positive thoughts were there, but I honestly felt like since I had at least increased my frequency of days with sales this week, it might still be not too painful if I got a zero today…making it two days in a row that I closed one out though made it feel like I was really on track for what I want to improve on so that I can get promoted as quickly. Apparently that sense of direction and urgency is playing out, since the guy that trained me started talking about me promoting possibly as soon as July first, which would be a full month ahead of the original projection we had talked about only a week ago.

How nice it feels when you can believe in yourself, and other people believe in you, and it all starts to feel like not only is it coming together, but it’s picking up more steam than you thought it would, and you begin to catapult into the reality of the dream you set yourself up for…

Moving Monstrosity in Motion

So why is it on one of the two days that I have planned for packing that every complication imaginable has to materialize? All of a student the friend who has been staying with me is having guests over to my apartment, and all attempts to try and start organizing things and get them ready for the move are made incredibly complex. I was on a good roll yesterday when I was organizing some files, but now it seems that for every task i take on, the mess just seems to get bigger, and for every box that I empty out, I have less boxed to use for packing my move. I am supposed to go down to see L’s place tonight, but that has already been a three day postponement, and the coordination of our meeting today has been complicated by the baseball game, a friend that she needs to help with their car, and my phone’s coverage currently being more spotty than a Dalmatian.

What would be really nice would be if the people that were present would either help me get things organized or get the hell out of my way. Instead, there are an increasing amount of dishes to clean, more obstacles to move around, and more things that “need ” to be used instead of be packed. I am really getting ready to just start pulling out the funk attitude again and make everyone else feel REALLY uncomfortable so they scatter and I can do what needs to get done.

Just when you think it can’t get (insert adjective here), it does…

So I’d like to think that this applies when things are going well to…

Unfortunately for me, the crap continues to pile up and I just don’t know when it will stop. I have roughly $260 to my name, which might, just might be enough to dig a hole deep enough to crawl into.

I am considering getting a “pod” which would then leave me not enough money to get a flight to Detroit, where my friend deb says I can get a job waiting tables fairly quickly. I am afraid to ask the few friends left that I have here in Denver for any help since I don’t feel right asking for their help after they have either already been so good to me or I am sure that my ask would create a rift.

There are jobs out there, but so far none of them that are considering my résumé as anything serious.

I am more and more at wits end very day. I can’t remember the last night I slept soundly or though the night. I am tired all the time. I am sick of this…

Power Outage

So just when I think I might be making some headway to get back on track, my electric gets turned off.

Why can’t I have things go smoothly, even just for a little while?

I’m not asking for miracles here, really. Just a break to go my way once Ina while would be nice…

Working Weekend…

Can’t believe it will be Monday tomorrow, and it will all start again. There was no resting this weekend: helping a friend move int my little place and getting him settled on the futon / me settled with so much less space to move in…I worry if this will work should there be any need for a timeframe longer than a couple months, if that. I spent most of today feeling trapped in my room, trying not to wake him as I crept out to the hall to get some laundry done, and then when he did wake up, it was barely enough time for me to cook dinner and he was back to sleep. Watching tv or movies on my computer or iPad is just not the same when my 46″ flatscreen is on the other side if the wall in front of me. Even if it is mostly background noise while I am doing computer things or whatever, it seems so much less comforting when it’s coming from my laptop.

But it was a productive weekend, all things aside. My apartment is a lot cleaner, my laundry much closer to being clean and organized instead of piled at the foot of my bed. I have a full refrigerator, with things both prepared already and things that I can choose to prepare as the week goes on. I seem to feel like I have a purpose to my activities as I get ready to start the week, even if I have no sense of direction or where I should be trying to go…

There’s a part of me though that feels like just having the desire to do something is an improvement…

Ominous Outing

So if there’s anything I hate more than moving, it’s helping someone else move. Karma being who she is though, it seems every time I volunteer (yes I volunteered to help) for this Herculean effort of kindness, I end up doing it for someone that packs the same way I do: not at all.

I did resolve this time though that I would be helping MOVE. Not packing, not coordinating, not troubleshooting, and I think this by default, completely off the hook for bringing the emotional glue-stick.

God I hate moving…and I know there’s a lot of other things I NEED to be doing. But Karma likes it when you pay it forward too…so I am bracing myself, packing a lite self preservation kit of Inge I can occupy myself with while packing and organizing and emotional meltdowns are going on. Then I will carry boxes, load truck / car / whatever, and console those that are falling apart…

Damn…can I ever get out of having to supply the emotional glue stick for one of these things?

So I will try to hold firm, because I am in crisis a bit lately too. But I will help too…and hopefully no balances will be tipped today…

Parting Ways…I Think…

So I think it MIGHT be time to finally say goodbye once and for all…

I should like to say I put in the good fight for this. I tried to be at my best, and when I wasn’t I tried to be accountable and learn so that WE could be better. Something inside me wanted to believe you were at least worth that, and for a time I am sure I thought you were much more.

You asked me in an email what I wanted out of “us” about a week ago. My answer was reflexive, honest, naked. I took a risk telling you several things in my reply, because it was truly what I wanted and I thought I could trust you enough to at least not hurt me with what I had revealed to you. When I requested that you answer the same question for me, you said you would “soon”, and I can honestly say I think I stopped waiting for “soon” to come more than two days ago.

Things haven’t been perfect, but part of what I loved was that I was learning to be better, or so I thought. I thought my growth would in turn help us to grow closer, and that you would also start to recognize that you were becoming a better person, even if just in my eyes, than I already thought you were.

With our most recent struggle, and I know it was a big one, you continued to do as you have done before, and put me off, or even undermine your integrity with me. Your reasons for your self destruction are your own, but I had offered my support, and I thought that maybe you were starting to show a little more respect for both of us, and not so much fear.

But time to think for you has clearly been more. Time to play, to do your own thing, and to keep me at bay, waiting in the wings that we were both developing a reluctant comfort to my standing in. I had become used to waiting, to chasing, to fighting for both of us because I wanted to believe that there was something incredible we could share together.

I was more than ready to love you. I think I already did. I thought that meant something to you. But your words whisper so much softer than the symphony of actions that you continue to orchestrate, and although there are interludes of beautiful music, the dissonant tones of your careless execution leave me no choice but to find another conductor.

I will value the things I have taught myself because of knowing you. I still believe they do make me better. But just as I have to realize that you don’t want me to be a part of this, I also need to start taking credit for the good things that I do when I do them. It is only now that I realize the muse for my inquiry was inconsequential: I would have found circumstance for these teachings at some point, and you happened to be in my sightline when I began to take notice.

The window will always remain open to show me a different kind of person that you might be someday. I am sad that it wasn’t worth searching for when I was here. You might be worth fighting for, but so am I. I also can’t fight with you for the sake of us anymore. So if someday you find yourself firing up a passion for what might be, then maybe I’ll be ready to take on this journey again.

Killing Me Softly (and slowly)

I just really want to know when this descent will end…

I have (had…I’m still not sure which) a boyfriend that continues to plague my mind with thoughts of how good we are when things are (were) good…and how bad they are right now…who continues to refuse to face me father our last regiment…

I still have job prospects that are minimal at best, and that only seem to get worse when passwords to major job hunting sites continue to not work or let me in to those sites to try and make any progress…

I am afraid to look at my checking account balance since I have no idea what it is and if there is enough money to cover the rent…

My electricity got turned off this morning, and it seems that may have triggered the entire building going off in the process…

I am supposed to have my apartment inspected today, and there is now no way to vacuum the carpets or do the laundry since the power to the building has gone out…

Mother’s Day is coming…but I don’t know which Sunday it is…

And I cancelled my credit card the other day to try and prevent the car payment for the car I no longer own from going through…

And since I didn’t check my bank account it may have gone through anyway…

This feeling in the pit of my stomach, which I assume may be due to the panic attacks I keep having, just won’t seem to go away…

But I have my life, since I woke up this morning…

And I have my health, which as one can imagine is hanging on a somewhat slippery slope…

And I just love feeling like I am responsible for all of this…

And that I have failed so miserably…

And that I deserve this…

Misery…

The Short of the Long of it…

Keeping this short as it has been a long and exhausting 48 hours and I need sleep to get ready for all that now needs to get done in the upcoming days…

Bryan laid his hand on me.  He has been in a relationship with Rob for some time now.  All of this has been confirmed.  They are both staying elsewhere.  I have a lot that I need to do to resolve this.

I also have the most incredible friends to help me through it.  I am truly blessed.

Details of all, both recent past and all that is to come will be forthcoming.  I just need to document this reminder before sleep:  I am a good person and good things will happen for me, and I truly have the most wonderful loving friends that anyone could ever hope for.