Apologetic Bitter Apology

I am sorry you are hurting.  I am sorry I can’t be there for you.  But you made it this way.

In fact it seems this is how you wanted it some time ago.  If I remember right, the last time i tried to give you a hug you pushed me away; it wasn’t long after that I saw you seeking and accepting comfort elsewhere.  I still can’t figure out why you felt the need to shut me out.  If one were to look at where my talents lie, I’m pretty confident that offering genuine support and care would be a pretty consistent list-topper.  You went down a path without me, and so I tried to follow, despite the obstacles and detours you put in my path.  Then you went down a road that I could not even follow you on.  I still don’t understand why it is that you felt the need to run away.

I do hope that you find someone who will give you whatever it is that you need:  now and in why ever the future holds for you.  The truth is that despite what has happened I never gave up on us, even long after you did.  Why could you not have just been honest with me?  Why did you have to drag this all out when there was literally nothing keeping you here, and torture both of us to co-exist in a world where neither of us could be happy anymore?  Why did you have to hurt me in order to walk away from what you had already given up.  If you had only told me not to follow you when you walked out, I could have respected that, even if I know it would have hurt.  I still don’t know whether to be angry at you or sorry for you, that you were not able to be honest with me or with yourself, and let this charade go on as long as it did until you made it ugly.  All I was asking for in the end was a simple acknowledgement, something that you apparently felt that I had no business asking for, even months earlier, because your expectations and demands to have your needs fulfilled were not important enough to give me what I so desperately was asking for over and over again.

I thought at one point that I had found the ideal I was hoping would complete that part of me that would allow me to move on to even greater happiness.  In destroying that perception, you have shown me that it is not necessarily the ideal that gives us the greatest gifts.  I have been hurt, inconvenienced, ignored, lied to, made a mockery, and yes, brutalized, yet I have to say despite all of that I feel more fulfilled because of the love that has been shared with me, not in crisis, but that was always there, and that I am ever so grateful for.  There are many more obstacles that you have left in your wake, but something tells me I will have an easier time navigating those than you will when your steady waters experience a swell.

And now I know that one particular swell has become a terrible storm.  And again, I wish I could be there for you, despite your past reluctance to accept my care.  I have, do, and always will love you, whatever trickery or assumption on my part may have led to those feelings.  I am sorry that you have to go through this.  I am sorry I can’t be there to have a moment of peace and not feel the need to keep a brave face all the time.  I know how incredibly brave you can be, but remember that I also know how incredibly sensitive you are underneath your thick shell.  It was that sensitivity, I think, that I fell in love with; the shell that I embraced with a smirk and a smile.  What parts of me did you embrace, no, recognize or acknowledge for anything of value?  I know that there is a lot I have to give here, and it is disheartening that one can be so stubborn to not even take a glance at what was here for you.  And I know you are hurting.  And I am sorry.  And I wish I could be there for you, even if you didn’t want me to be.  But I can’t go to where you have gone.  And I am sorry.

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Long Week Already and Big Weekend Ahead

So Bryan decided to stop by unannounced yesterday, which sent me for a bit of a spell.  Is it so unreasonable of me to demand that I get some sort of warning before he shows up, especially when he decides to bring his partner in crime and hid him away from me for the first hour he is here?  i guess his deception will simply continue like it had for the past several months, and I’ll just have to see it for what it is.  Getting any of my things or the things I need seems to be like pulling teeth, and considering that he goes on vacation tomorrow, it should prove very interesting to see how he expects to get the rest of his things, since it also seems he is assuming he can just leave behind the things he doesn’t want and have me take care of them.  nice…

Have at least managed to get some things organized for myself this week, and good thing, since it appears I am going to be renting a truck on Saturday to move up to my friend Bill’s for the time being.  A couple friends have wait they should have a couch at least for me to stay in town on a couple nights a week, until I get everything settled with my finances getting rearranged.  Letter to the landlord goes out today, and tomorrow will be a number of phone calls to find out what parcels of mail are in transit already and what things will need to be redirected etc.  Need to get my change of address taken care of at the post office too.  It would be not so bad i guess to stay here one more month if I could afford it on my own, but it seems that just isn’t in the cards this week.  Nothing is ever easy when life is in crisis.

In unrelated news, my nonprofit now has five Board Members, which should be enough to actually have a meeting next month to get them started watching over me so I don’t have to worry quite so much about EVERYTHING that i am doing to try and make this project work.  Other than getting myself personally back on my feet over the next (hopefully) few months, is going to be to keep Aspire up and running and hopefully focus more on funding so that I can ethically ask the Board to re-negotiate the current terms of my salary, which is a pittance of what I am worth and what I should be getting once fully funded.  Figuring out how I am going to get an income of $10,000 a month for a startup that is going a bit slower on some things than I had hoped, is going to be somewhat of a rough sell, unless I can get the money I need to get my 1023 processed ASAP.  Have to remember to call the Spark Action People tomorrow.

Lots to do, very little time, exhausted but enduring, I know at least things are going in the direction they need to…for now…

The Short of the Long of it…

Keeping this short as it has been a long and exhausting 48 hours and I need sleep to get ready for all that now needs to get done in the upcoming days…

Bryan laid his hand on me.  He has been in a relationship with Rob for some time now.  All of this has been confirmed.  They are both staying elsewhere.  I have a lot that I need to do to resolve this.

I also have the most incredible friends to help me through it.  I am truly blessed.

Details of all, both recent past and all that is to come will be forthcoming.  I just need to document this reminder before sleep:  I am a good person and good things will happen for me, and I truly have the most wonderful loving friends that anyone could ever hope for.

So nice to have a real weekend…almost

Volunteered for the Mile High Mrder Mystery Race yesterday and had a lot of fun.  All the different stations seemed to have different drinking games, so didn’t feel bad that people were playing It Gets Dicey at ours.  The two best things about the day were that my station partner was Jami Duffy, the Executive Director for the Flobots, who do a lot of philanthropic work.  We got to talk for the better part of the day between race participants, and she gave me some really great feedback and advice.  They also had a leadership training program that they don’t use any  more and sounds a lot more technical and skill based than the curriculum I am putting together.  It sounds like, among other things, she is wiling to share her curriculum and materials with me as I am developing my curriculum!  The other part was that we were at they really cool bar called Prohibition, and where I will definitely go back to.

Today I am off in a little bit to meet with the Artistic Director of And Toto too Theatre Company, Susan Lyles, to get some paperwork from her that I want to have cleaned up before the next Board of Directors Meeting.  I serve as their Vice President, and have loved every minute of it so far.  It’s really nice to be working with a group where I was a total outsider, but that has welcomed me so well.

Tonight is confrontation night with Bryan.  Won’t go into the long sordid details, but needless to say, we blew up at each other on his way to work, which gives me a pretty clear indication that he has decided he no longer wants to be in this relationship:  a sentiment that I am pretty sure he felt several weeks ago, and which he has refused to resound in anything other than refusal when I ask  hm to start acting like he wants to be here.  More recently, he has even just ignored me  unless it is to criticize me, give me some sort of order, or create an uncomfortable situation for me.  I have been operating for the last week like I am single, even though I still have an offer on the table for him to stem up to my dam ends, which have now become itemized in a written letter after he walked out on a conversation with me last week.  I am also starting to look for a new place, for a variety of reasons, but eedless to say, whether Bryan comes with me oct not is not a factor I am currently considering in my search.

Tomorrow will be back to full time work all day long, ut I think  am going to surprise an old friend and go to a pot luck event she is hosting.  It has been really good to have a social weekend again.  I haven’t had one in a long time, and although my back steel feels awful, I feel a lot better.