Whistle While You Work, or Why I Rock

So I walk in to the office today, and there is like no one there. Only the managers and supervisors and me…so not sure what is going on, I join the meeting, and my boss just keeps going with his supervisor training that he is doing today. Mind you I am not a supervisor yet. At the end of the meeting, I can see my boss pointing me out as he is finishing the training, and talking to me like I already am a supervisor. I know that if things continue to go smoothly this week, that promotion could come as early as next week, which would be fantastic, but to have my boss looking at me and talking to me like I am already one of the leaders on his team feels really juicy.

To top it all off, as we’re getting ready to leave the office, the results from a two week sales contest come in. Out of three offices, four of us were going to be selected, based on our sales and performance, to be guests of DirecTV, in their luxury box suite, to a catered event at Coors field for one of the Colorado Rockies games next week. Aside from the fanfare of July 4th fireworks that night, we will be given the royal treatment, with a catered affair and prime AIR CONDITIONED viewing of the game as stars of the company from three different offices. O the four winners, three were from our office, and I WAS ONE OF THE WINNERS!!!!!!!!!

It is so nice to be recognized for achievement, but even more gratifying to see that my boss and fellow coworkers were actually happy for me that I had won. Hrs work is one thing, but hard work accompanied by the genuine support of the people you se every day makes work simply a joy and a payday every time I go in.

It’s been a real long time since I’ve allowed myself to feel this good about myself. And yes at a couple points today the threat of tears did come through. I am overwhelmed by the good fortune I have had over the past month. I am overjoyed that I have been able to grab it and make absolutely the most that I know how with it. I am astounded that for the first time I my life I can envision and see so many of my most incredible dreams coming true, and that I can see true and total happiness within my grasp and within my control. This also comes with a fear and knowledge that I have a distinct talent for self sabotage. This time thou, I have a stronger resolve than I have ever felt to not let myself get scared. No more what ifs or woulda shoulda couldas. This time, I have the opportunity and the ability and the authority to make it happen. I will make my dreams come true. Not because I have to or I am afraid not to, but because if these small victories feel this good, I can’t wait to see what it feels like when the dreams I have really do come true!

Congratulations, goodbye, don’t bother

So sometimes the truth hurts, but at least it’s the truth, and at least I finally have it.

I usually think myself a pretty good judge of character. You lied. You lied about virtually everything. You manipulated and omitted facts, and held me accountable for all of the truth, AND the lies. No wonder I was so confused and frustrated so much of the time. There was a time I wanted to understand your motivations for your actions and deceptions, but now in the end, I just really can’t care anymore. It is impossible to invest anything into something that makes so many unrelated and fictitious twists and turns, that it can no longer be followed. There was a time I wanted to fight for what I thought I was putting my faith in: I will still fight for the things I believe in, I just no longer have any hope or delusion that they might be a part of you, so I can concentrate on looking for where they might be in someone worthy of my attention. You were the very fortunate benefactor of my misjudgment: I invoked so many of the things I seek into my vision of what I wanted you to be, and perhaps that is my fault for putting too much pressure on you to live up to that. But this could have all ended so much better if you had just once tried to be honest with me, instead of making things worth at virtually every opportunity. Whether done consciously or not, and I know your actions were motivated and driven by both, you proved yourself to be the coward and the dog that you so often even stated you weren’t but that others would say you were.

Were you something to me, I would probably be wanting to give my congratulations, and well wishes that cubby makes you happy, and that you are able to move forward with your life on a path that fulfills you. However like so many of my well wishes or messages of any kind, his too would, probably not be read at all, or maybe perhaps slimmed for what context to remove for another confrontation that might be needed to skulk away conveniently as the accuser. I would like to think in some fantasy that you saved at least some of my commentary, and that you might revisit it someday when you are more ready to hear it, or at least more ready to see it for what it is: the words of an individual who, despite any of the difficulties they have faced, still believes in many ideals that while many of us strive toward them, even the best of us find ultimately unattainable; for those of us who continue the struggle find that moving even just a little bit closer to those ideals makes all the difference, even if we never complete the journey.

It has taken me perhaps longer than it should have to get to this place. I know that my reliance on some sort of factual corroboration to my own conclusions has held me back. I find it not surprising, although certainly consistent with your character, that I should have heard none of what I needed to hear from you. But perhaps that is what has made my resolve now even stronger in my own perspective. I could have been the best thing that ever came into your life, and I’ll admit there was i time I mistook you for the individual that I thought might be that for me. My projections on to you are what they are, and while they were temporarily misplaced with you, the beauty in all of this is that for the first time in a long time, I can take them back, still hold them close, and be ready to explore them with the next person that I choose to embark on a journey of getting to know. This Is the proof that previous mistakes that had resulted in a questioning of my faith have been learned from, and no longer will hold me back or cause me to hesitate upon the chance to move forward: to me this would be a true indication of survivorship. I am better for having muddled through the past three months, and it is really just to bad that so much of that was missed by both you and the person that should have been there instead. But I will find them, and at least now I know not to be afraid of how happy I really will be when I am right.

So off into non-existence you go, fortunately taking nothing of mine with you. This time I am strong enough and smart enough to hold on to all of it and look at it just like I did as if we had never met. The benefits of my experience are still there, but this time I get to say that the teacher really was me, and that I maybe benefitted from the use of a prop or a puppet in the process, but those are all tools that I would have had at my disposal anyway. The fact that they might have breathed once in a while is honestly irrelevant, since the process and results would have been exactly the same. You no longer exist in my world, because you never wanted to make a contribution to it. So your welcome: you’re off the hook. Just don’t bother coming around my sandbox anymore. I have no use for anything that’s just going to be getting in the way…

Resounding Resolution

Sometimes things work out in funny ways…

Just when I thought things could not get more convoluted with Steven, things have started to go just the way I wanted. The tension has released, the passion has become even more explosive than it already was, we talk so much more and have GREAT talks. Now I notice all the little things that make him and us so special.

I have wanted something like this for so long. The best part is I really believe that not only can this last, it can keep getting better…

Something to say

Sometimes I really don’t know what I’m doing. With little hope of achievement and high likelihood of now playing a part in making things worse, off I go to have this goddamned conversation that I started asking for on Tuesday. I can’t get rid of the venom I taste in my blood, and I know that while it is the only thing protecting me, it is the easiest way to guarantee failure in meeting my original intent. Boy is this fun…

Parting…Such Sweet Sorrow…Yeah Right…

So I have a bone to pick with some folks.  My disappointment – and yes in some cases anger – lies not in the choices you have made.  It lies not in the fact, although I had originally hoped otherwise, that we would maintain the relationships we had created before any tensions might have been created.  My issue is with your character, or particularly lack thereof.  Why you would tell me one thing and then move in a completely different direction speaks to your inability to tell the truth and own your shit.  I have no problem conceding that I have my faults and that I have done things at times that were less than reflective of the person that I try to be.  That being said, one thing I can say with confidence:  I own my shit, and I have  made great efforts to provide a complete and fair picture of questionable or dicey situations when speaking to you.  Some of you have even commented that my accounts, while perhaps at times more informative or blunt than necessary, are of a particular fairness and consistency.  My intention was never to undermine your opinions of any other person involved in a given situation, or to raise myself above repute.  Again, I own my shit.  It has become quite clear to me, however, that there are others who are incapable of taking responsibility for themselves or their choices, so much so, as to lie to me and then lead me on until I have to realize for myself that this is their character.  This has nothing to do with the players that I was involved with when speaking to you about the situation.  This has to do with you and your deception and lack of character.  I thought I had made it very clear that I was not trying to put you or anyone else in the middle of this, and that I gave you every opportunity to give me an honest answer about what choices you made – and yes I now realize you made them probably long before any lies that you told me.  So you lied, or maybe changed your mind; I’m a big boy, I can handle something like that.  Instead you backed yourself – and me – into a corner, building further stress and tension, that I had already given you the opportunity to avoid.  You had your chance to tell me what you thought of me when I came to you and engaged you in a conversation about what was going on.  The least you could have done was given me the respect of being honest with me.  Again, unfortunately, this is about your character, which I now realize sucks ass.  Bottom line:  a lot of unnecessary energy for both of us could have been better utilized, instead of my trying to reach out and your having to make up petty excuses because you were not enough of a person to be honest on a number of occasions.  Thank you for wasting my time, but at least now allowing me to carve a place in my life for people that want – and deserve – to be there.

Why Karma Never Needs Help

This summer has not been an easy one, but nonetheless it is one that I am ever thankful for, and the results of it are anything but extraordinary:  despite all of the bad, much has now come full circle again.  I feel almost complete, but a hell of a lot more so than I did before it all began.  I got rid of a lot of the bad things in my life this summer:  people that were dragging me down and holding me back, vices that were making it impossible for me to feel like anything but a hypocrite and a joke to myself, and attitudes that were making it impossible for me to envision, let alone achieve the things that I wanted for myself.  I have stared to put back into my life the things that really matter to me:  I researched apartments for myself last week; I visited a skating rink and am looking for a place to get my blades sharpened; I went to Church for the first time in a LONG ass time.

There have been some really hard days, but there have been some incredible people who have helped me through them, and I will never be able to fully repay the efforts of these individuals to come close to all of the good that has come to me in literally just the last 24 hours.  Aspire, my dream and my labor of love, will launch it’s first major philanthropic campaign in November with a huge event.  We have a venue, we have supporters, we have a vision, and we have an incredible concept for not only the launch party of the Fairygodmother Project, but for the launch party as well.  Today, after over three years of being unemployed, I was made an offer for a job working with the State, and working back in one of my most comfortable elements.  This job will not only allow me to support myself, but I know it will keep me energized, and will allow and ignite a fire to continue my work with Aspire.  Tonight, I was recognized as one of the 25 most influential young business professionals in Colorado:  an honor which I am overwhelmed and astonished to have such esteemed company.  At the event, I also received a cabled package worth over $2000 that will allow me, along with the new job, to get a new place that I truly WANT, rather than one that I can just afford.  I also got a text that one such place, originally out of my price range (but not anymore), has just come available and I could move in as early as October 1.

I have said it before, I will say it again, and I hope that those who hear it will keep believing:  KARMA NEVER NEEDS HELP.  I know a lot of people who have had their own difficulties over this past spring and summer, and I have continued to say to them that we are good people; as long as we stick together, good things will happen for us, because we are good people and we deserve them.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt so right about something, and just as long since I have felt so good about so many things.

For those who are starting to turn the corner, keep going.  We all need to stick together to maintain this momentum.  To those who are still struggling, I am sending my energy your way.  I want to stick with all of you because 1)  KARMA NEVER NEEDS HELP, and 2) WE ARE ALL GOOD PEOPLE, AND WE ALL NEED TO STICK TOGETHER:  STICKING TOGETHER, GOOD THINGS WILL HAPEN FOR US BECAUSE WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE AND WE DESERVE IT.

Enough of me on my soapbox for tonight.

Apologetic Bitter Apology

I am sorry you are hurting.  I am sorry I can’t be there for you.  But you made it this way.

In fact it seems this is how you wanted it some time ago.  If I remember right, the last time i tried to give you a hug you pushed me away; it wasn’t long after that I saw you seeking and accepting comfort elsewhere.  I still can’t figure out why you felt the need to shut me out.  If one were to look at where my talents lie, I’m pretty confident that offering genuine support and care would be a pretty consistent list-topper.  You went down a path without me, and so I tried to follow, despite the obstacles and detours you put in my path.  Then you went down a road that I could not even follow you on.  I still don’t understand why it is that you felt the need to run away.

I do hope that you find someone who will give you whatever it is that you need:  now and in why ever the future holds for you.  The truth is that despite what has happened I never gave up on us, even long after you did.  Why could you not have just been honest with me?  Why did you have to drag this all out when there was literally nothing keeping you here, and torture both of us to co-exist in a world where neither of us could be happy anymore?  Why did you have to hurt me in order to walk away from what you had already given up.  If you had only told me not to follow you when you walked out, I could have respected that, even if I know it would have hurt.  I still don’t know whether to be angry at you or sorry for you, that you were not able to be honest with me or with yourself, and let this charade go on as long as it did until you made it ugly.  All I was asking for in the end was a simple acknowledgement, something that you apparently felt that I had no business asking for, even months earlier, because your expectations and demands to have your needs fulfilled were not important enough to give me what I so desperately was asking for over and over again.

I thought at one point that I had found the ideal I was hoping would complete that part of me that would allow me to move on to even greater happiness.  In destroying that perception, you have shown me that it is not necessarily the ideal that gives us the greatest gifts.  I have been hurt, inconvenienced, ignored, lied to, made a mockery, and yes, brutalized, yet I have to say despite all of that I feel more fulfilled because of the love that has been shared with me, not in crisis, but that was always there, and that I am ever so grateful for.  There are many more obstacles that you have left in your wake, but something tells me I will have an easier time navigating those than you will when your steady waters experience a swell.

And now I know that one particular swell has become a terrible storm.  And again, I wish I could be there for you, despite your past reluctance to accept my care.  I have, do, and always will love you, whatever trickery or assumption on my part may have led to those feelings.  I am sorry that you have to go through this.  I am sorry I can’t be there to have a moment of peace and not feel the need to keep a brave face all the time.  I know how incredibly brave you can be, but remember that I also know how incredibly sensitive you are underneath your thick shell.  It was that sensitivity, I think, that I fell in love with; the shell that I embraced with a smirk and a smile.  What parts of me did you embrace, no, recognize or acknowledge for anything of value?  I know that there is a lot I have to give here, and it is disheartening that one can be so stubborn to not even take a glance at what was here for you.  And I know you are hurting.  And I am sorry.  And I wish I could be there for you, even if you didn’t want me to be.  But I can’t go to where you have gone.  And I am sorry.

THe Good, The Bad, and the Really Really Ugly

The Good:  I can’t express how much of an impact it has when I feel appreciated.  I don’t mean parades or carnival or the like every time I do something right, but just that fact that I can tell there is absolutely no pretense or judgement from my friend Bill whenever I do something makes all the difference in the world.  Immediately it reinforces that I do have some value and that my actions are more than random events, but they have an impact on both myself and the people around me.  I have seen how it can be a lot easier to criticize someone for what they did not accomplish or did not complete to certain expectations or standards first hand, and I know how much it wore me down to not wanting to do anything at all because there was no opportunity for me to get any sort of positive outcomes even from the most successful performances.  Just the opposite has happened in the case of where I am now.  Not only am I feeling like there are things I do well and are appreciated, I continue to want to do them more often and with better outcomes than the last time, not only for the reinforcement that I gain externally, but I am also beginning to see the internal reward for these things, and no longer worrying about fighting off the criticisms of incomplete or less than par, or whatever you want to call it.  Even when I make mistakes, or something goes wrong, I look at it now as an opportunity to learn, rather than subject to avoid.  I am becoming more assertive and bringing topics to the conversation that are relevant and enriching to me, and while some of them may seem remedial or fundamental or elementary to an outsider, the encouragement I get for WANTING to improve is an incredible reward.

The Bad:  While I was able to accomplish a number of necessary tasks in town today, there are still some lingering priority matters that are becoming increasingly frustrating.  I feel like I was led on a bit of a wild goose chase tonight to resolve some of this, and don’t really have anything to show for it other than added aggravation and worry that some of this may never really be resolved.  For as much has been accomplished and set for the, there are a few key elements that are becoming increasingly hard to deal with, and the ones that fare still at this point open-ended are of significance.  Tis makes them burn with ever-increasing brightness at the front of my mind, and keep me distracted form a lot of other things that I am needing to put effort into, and now those too are starting to spark an urgency that can quickly lead to the panic of fires or worse yet, the cold embers of damage control.  Unfortunately i am not the only one with control in these matters, and while I have done my best to be cordial, fair, and even accommodating, it should come as no surprise, but is infuriating that this is not reciprocated.

The Really Really Ugly:  I think that we all have a couple of things that we struggle with, for whatever reason, and these things repeatedly do significant damage to our cores or our characters.  Some of us as we become better adults, learn means of compensation or ordeal themselves to take these things head on, to varying degrees of success.  One of these that I am constantly hurting myself and others with is my floundering or even outright avoidance of communication when there is difficulty, or in how I present that difficulty to others.  Tonight this hurt one of the people who has so instrumental in my continuing to have all of my wordily possessions, a place to lay my head at night, and who has shown me such amazing love over the past few weeks, that it hurt them I think even more than doubly that I did not communicate as well as I should have.  I had borrowed Bill’s car to go in to the city to get some things accomplished, and when things began to get difficult for me, my attention to respecting his stake in the situation was ignored.  It is something I have done to a number of people on different occasions, and for different reasons.  The situations leading totem are usually different, but my actions and the overall outcome caries a cloud that becomes increasingly hurtful to others, painful to me, and really a very accurate portrayal of me that I want to be the opposite of.  In tonight’s case, there were some things that I got a bit misled in trying to accomplish, and yes my phone did lose power.  But there is a bigger picture bottom line that I had his car, and I had left in the morning with a plan for half a day in which my return journey ended at midnight.  I don’t remember what time our last contact was, but that it had been hours was inconsiderate, selfish, and just plain wrong.  I know  all of this and what bothers me most I think, is that I continue to do the same exact thing when I get over involved in something, or when I start to fear even the smaller t repercussions, I go completely over the deep end and turn what is probably a small matter of unanticipated consideration into a catastrophic calamity that has no chance of generating any sort of positive outcomes.  I know that I don’t want to continue to do this, yet I do anyway.  I know it’s consequences, yet can’t seem to stop myself from reverting to these behaviors that I know I want to avoid, and so once I start them, they become the beginning of even deeper and more sinister behaviors that are in avoidance of the consequences for the first ones.  Even right now, I am hiding in my bedroom, and know Bill is out there, angry and hurt, and I am avoiding him, partially in the hopes he will cool off, but also in the hopes that I can simply avoid addressing this when the time comes.  I can justify my avoidance with completely logical or even well intentioned rhetoric at times, but the fact remains:  I am masking a much bigger issue that I don’t know how to address, and don’t know that I have the ability to overcome, not because I am incapable, but because the problem itself is cyclically symptomized by my avoiding it until something else becomes more pressing or distracting and I can avoid facing it at all.

When Incredibly Grateful Isn’t Enough

I have to say, there are certain people that I am very lucky to have in my life.  I am so incredibly fortunate to know them all, and to feel their unconditional love every day.  Some I may talk to or see more often than others, some may reach out to me or may be waiting for me to make contact, but every time our paths cross, it is something special; and that I look forward to sometimes before the most recent contact is over.  That I am able to lose my sense of time with these people proves true one of my favorite passages in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and is an overflowing source of my belief in the good of this life, making it worth living.  I may not talk to each one of you every time I have something to share, and we may have more to catch up on that one thing the next time we speak.  We may find a reason to touch base for an hour and a half four different times this week.   No matter the reason or the time in between, know that I love all of you so much and I am forever grateful, with the hope that I am able to give you even just a glimmer of the beacons that you shine for me to light my way…

“If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we’ve destroyed our own brotherhood! But overcome space, and all we have left is Here. Overcome time, and all we have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don’t you think that we might see each other once or twice?”

― Richard BachJonathan Livingston Seagull