So finally made a return to performing in front of a crowd this weekend. Got a job working with MO Productions, the #1 murder mystery dinner theater in Colorado. It was just a bit part, but it felt great to be in front of a crowd and performing. And getting paid didn’t hurt either. It’s a nice feeling to know that at least something is going my way…
So I walk in to the office today, and there is like no one there. Only the managers and supervisors and me…so not sure what is going on, I join the meeting, and my boss just keeps going with his supervisor training that he is doing today. Mind you I am not a supervisor yet. At the end of the meeting, I can see my boss pointing me out as he is finishing the training, and talking to me like I already am a supervisor. I know that if things continue to go smoothly this week, that promotion could come as early as next week, which would be fantastic, but to have my boss looking at me and talking to me like I am already one of the leaders on his team feels really juicy.
To top it all off, as we’re getting ready to leave the office, the results from a two week sales contest come in. Out of three offices, four of us were going to be selected, based on our sales and performance, to be guests of DirecTV, in their luxury box suite, to a catered event at Coors field for one of the Colorado Rockies games next week. Aside from the fanfare of July 4th fireworks that night, we will be given the royal treatment, with a catered affair and prime AIR CONDITIONED viewing of the game as stars of the company from three different offices. O the four winners, three were from our office, and I WAS ONE OF THE WINNERS!!!!!!!!!
It is so nice to be recognized for achievement, but even more gratifying to see that my boss and fellow coworkers were actually happy for me that I had won. Hrs work is one thing, but hard work accompanied by the genuine support of the people you se every day makes work simply a joy and a payday every time I go in.
It’s been a real long time since I’ve allowed myself to feel this good about myself. And yes at a couple points today the threat of tears did come through. I am overwhelmed by the good fortune I have had over the past month. I am overjoyed that I have been able to grab it and make absolutely the most that I know how with it. I am astounded that for the first time I my life I can envision and see so many of my most incredible dreams coming true, and that I can see true and total happiness within my grasp and within my control. This also comes with a fear and knowledge that I have a distinct talent for self sabotage. This time thou, I have a stronger resolve than I have ever felt to not let myself get scared. No more what ifs or woulda shoulda couldas. This time, I have the opportunity and the ability and the authority to make it happen. I will make my dreams come true. Not because I have to or I am afraid not to, but because if these small victories feel this good, I can’t wait to see what it feels like when the dreams I have really do come true!
Attitude is everything. Today flew by. Perhaps part of it was having an extended meeting at the office before going out into the field. I think more of it was hearing about some of the successes people are having, and really seeing how much opportunity there really is for me at this place.
I like to consider myself somewhat malleable: I have managed to adapt to a number of different work environments in the past several years. I have been in counter food service, residential treatment, juvenile corrections, retail management, founding and nonprofit executive management, and now this. With little exception, I have managed in most cases to gain the trust and confidence of my coworkers, respect and accolades from my managers and overseers, and had the benefits of relative success and incredible knowledge acquisition. As I look at all of these, I keep being reminded of how all these experiences keep making me better, and while there have been times in all of these endeavors that I questioned the magic, or if this was REALLY what I wanted to be doing, I know that every one of them has either gotten me closer to “the dream”, or been a strong complement to that process.
I am still not entirely convinced that this opportunity will be the perfect fit for me. As I continue to presently have two full time jobs: this one, and Aspire, Inc., there is a big part of me that wonder if I will ever find a single perfect match, and I am reminded how I was told in the 7th grade this would be one of my most difficult struggles. I can honestly say I am beginning to really enjoy the work I am doing with this new job, and I can tell you the potential is tremendous. I let my supervisor in on my goal to be in management by the first of the year, and to hear such a positive reaction from someone who has been with the company for a year and a half and not gotten there yet was both flattering and encouraging. The fact that after a week he had no doubts that I cold be in that role on my timeline made me feel great. There was even some confusion when I started talking about it, and when he thought I was talking about being a supervisor by the end of the year, he seemed poised to tell me that I wasn’t being ambitious enough, as if he believed that expectation was selling myself short. I haven’t made a sale yet, but there were two things that really hit me today: the first was that just by a law of averages, once I have the store to myself on Saturday, ALL the sales that get made will be mine, and that once I break through that barrier, I know the success will simply start to flow naturally. Especially now knowing that my goals are more than realistic, and that there are going to be people encouraging me to achieve them, I feel like I may really be able to have the kind of success that I want to have at any, but particularly this job.
So much of my life has been motivated by fear and the need to find a way to survive. I got a brief but distant glimpse of what that could look like when I was working at the last job I left. For the first time, I feel like I really do have control over my destiny, and that life is not a waiting game for me to keep looking around for the perfect fit. I can do incredibly well at this job, AND still maintain the nonprofit I founded to fulfill my desire to become a philanthropeneur. I can become a business leader in this industry AND work to empower people and communities through my charitable and philanthropic efforts. I can enjoy doing something that I know I am really good at, AND continue to build on doing something that I already have a passion for.
I’ve never believed before so strongly: life really is what you make of it.
So it’s always nice when the guy training you offers to take you out to breakfast. It will officially be a week at work today, and I get the impression they are pretty pleased with me. The people at work seem to all be very friendly, if not sometimes bordering on the cheesy side, but at the same time, it makes the day go by pretty quickly when we spend our first hour of the day I. Some sort of training mode, with all the excitement, and then go out into the field to do our sales work.
It’s not my ideal job, to be perfectly honest, but there is some pretty good opportunity to move up rather quickly, and while I feel like I am doing well here, I know there is somewhere else I would rather be, doing something that I am happier doing. I can honestly say I LIKE this Jon, but I am also pretty sure it is something that I do not think I will ever LOVE doing, if that makes sense.
For now, I have stopped sending out new resumes, and am taking a little more of a passive approach to things, but that stems more from just the sheer time constraint involved in an hour to hour and a half commute each ay to work on public transit. I don’t mind taking the bus / light rail, but I know that I will have a lot more time once I get back on my feet and get a car again. I did hate having a car payment, but there was also an incredible amount of pride that I felt in knowing that I was back to a pace in my life where I could afford to take on.
I’ll be getting back to that soon, and soon will be able to do it without needing so much help from friends. Somehow I can just feel it.
So sometimes the truth hurts, but at least it’s the truth, and at least I finally have it.
I usually think myself a pretty good judge of character. You lied. You lied about virtually everything. You manipulated and omitted facts, and held me accountable for all of the truth, AND the lies. No wonder I was so confused and frustrated so much of the time. There was a time I wanted to understand your motivations for your actions and deceptions, but now in the end, I just really can’t care anymore. It is impossible to invest anything into something that makes so many unrelated and fictitious twists and turns, that it can no longer be followed. There was a time I wanted to fight for what I thought I was putting my faith in: I will still fight for the things I believe in, I just no longer have any hope or delusion that they might be a part of you, so I can concentrate on looking for where they might be in someone worthy of my attention. You were the very fortunate benefactor of my misjudgment: I invoked so many of the things I seek into my vision of what I wanted you to be, and perhaps that is my fault for putting too much pressure on you to live up to that. But this could have all ended so much better if you had just once tried to be honest with me, instead of making things worth at virtually every opportunity. Whether done consciously or not, and I know your actions were motivated and driven by both, you proved yourself to be the coward and the dog that you so often even stated you weren’t but that others would say you were.
Were you something to me, I would probably be wanting to give my congratulations, and well wishes that cubby makes you happy, and that you are able to move forward with your life on a path that fulfills you. However like so many of my well wishes or messages of any kind, his too would, probably not be read at all, or maybe perhaps slimmed for what context to remove for another confrontation that might be needed to skulk away conveniently as the accuser. I would like to think in some fantasy that you saved at least some of my commentary, and that you might revisit it someday when you are more ready to hear it, or at least more ready to see it for what it is: the words of an individual who, despite any of the difficulties they have faced, still believes in many ideals that while many of us strive toward them, even the best of us find ultimately unattainable; for those of us who continue the struggle find that moving even just a little bit closer to those ideals makes all the difference, even if we never complete the journey.
It has taken me perhaps longer than it should have to get to this place. I know that my reliance on some sort of factual corroboration to my own conclusions has held me back. I find it not surprising, although certainly consistent with your character, that I should have heard none of what I needed to hear from you. But perhaps that is what has made my resolve now even stronger in my own perspective. I could have been the best thing that ever came into your life, and I’ll admit there was i time I mistook you for the individual that I thought might be that for me. My projections on to you are what they are, and while they were temporarily misplaced with you, the beauty in all of this is that for the first time in a long time, I can take them back, still hold them close, and be ready to explore them with the next person that I choose to embark on a journey of getting to know. This Is the proof that previous mistakes that had resulted in a questioning of my faith have been learned from, and no longer will hold me back or cause me to hesitate upon the chance to move forward: to me this would be a true indication of survivorship. I am better for having muddled through the past three months, and it is really just to bad that so much of that was missed by both you and the person that should have been there instead. But I will find them, and at least now I know not to be afraid of how happy I really will be when I am right.
So off into non-existence you go, fortunately taking nothing of mine with you. This time I am strong enough and smart enough to hold on to all of it and look at it just like I did as if we had never met. The benefits of my experience are still there, but this time I get to say that the teacher really was me, and that I maybe benefitted from the use of a prop or a puppet in the process, but those are all tools that I would have had at my disposal anyway. The fact that they might have breathed once in a while is honestly irrelevant, since the process and results would have been exactly the same. You no longer exist in my world, because you never wanted to make a contribution to it. So your welcome: you’re off the hook. Just don’t bother coming around my sandbox anymore. I have no use for anything that’s just going to be getting in the way…
Sometimes things work out in funny ways…
Just when I thought things could not get more convoluted with Steven, things have started to go just the way I wanted. The tension has released, the passion has become even more explosive than it already was, we talk so much more and have GREAT talks. Now I notice all the little things that make him and us so special.
I have wanted something like this for so long. The best part is I really believe that not only can this last, it can keep getting better…
This summer has not been an easy one, but nonetheless it is one that I am ever thankful for, and the results of it are anything but extraordinary: despite all of the bad, much has now come full circle again. I feel almost complete, but a hell of a lot more so than I did before it all began. I got rid of a lot of the bad things in my life this summer: people that were dragging me down and holding me back, vices that were making it impossible for me to feel like anything but a hypocrite and a joke to myself, and attitudes that were making it impossible for me to envision, let alone achieve the things that I wanted for myself. I have stared to put back into my life the things that really matter to me: I researched apartments for myself last week; I visited a skating rink and am looking for a place to get my blades sharpened; I went to Church for the first time in a LONG ass time.
There have been some really hard days, but there have been some incredible people who have helped me through them, and I will never be able to fully repay the efforts of these individuals to come close to all of the good that has come to me in literally just the last 24 hours. Aspire, my dream and my labor of love, will launch it’s first major philanthropic campaign in November with a huge event. We have a venue, we have supporters, we have a vision, and we have an incredible concept for not only the launch party of the Fairygodmother Project, but for the launch party as well. Today, after over three years of being unemployed, I was made an offer for a job working with the State, and working back in one of my most comfortable elements. This job will not only allow me to support myself, but I know it will keep me energized, and will allow and ignite a fire to continue my work with Aspire. Tonight, I was recognized as one of the 25 most influential young business professionals in Colorado: an honor which I am overwhelmed and astonished to have such esteemed company. At the event, I also received a cabled package worth over $2000 that will allow me, along with the new job, to get a new place that I truly WANT, rather than one that I can just afford. I also got a text that one such place, originally out of my price range (but not anymore), has just come available and I could move in as early as October 1.
I have said it before, I will say it again, and I hope that those who hear it will keep believing: KARMA NEVER NEEDS HELP. I know a lot of people who have had their own difficulties over this past spring and summer, and I have continued to say to them that we are good people; as long as we stick together, good things will happen for us, because we are good people and we deserve them. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt so right about something, and just as long since I have felt so good about so many things.
For those who are starting to turn the corner, keep going. We all need to stick together to maintain this momentum. To those who are still struggling, I am sending my energy your way. I want to stick with all of you because 1) KARMA NEVER NEEDS HELP, and 2) WE ARE ALL GOOD PEOPLE, AND WE ALL NEED TO STICK TOGETHER: STICKING TOGETHER, GOOD THINGS WILL HAPEN FOR US BECAUSE WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE AND WE DESERVE IT.
Enough of me on my soapbox for tonight.
I have to say, there are certain people that I am very lucky to have in my life. I am so incredibly fortunate to know them all, and to feel their unconditional love every day. Some I may talk to or see more often than others, some may reach out to me or may be waiting for me to make contact, but every time our paths cross, it is something special; and that I look forward to sometimes before the most recent contact is over. That I am able to lose my sense of time with these people proves true one of my favorite passages in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and is an overflowing source of my belief in the good of this life, making it worth living. I may not talk to each one of you every time I have something to share, and we may have more to catch up on that one thing the next time we speak. We may find a reason to touch base for an hour and a half four different times this week. No matter the reason or the time in between, know that I love all of you so much and I am forever grateful, with the hope that I am able to give you even just a glimmer of the beacons that you shine for me to light my way…
“If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we’ve destroyed our own brotherhood! But overcome space, and all we have left is Here. Overcome time, and all we have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don’t you think that we might see each other once or twice?”
So Bryan decided to stop by unannounced yesterday, which sent me for a bit of a spell. Is it so unreasonable of me to demand that I get some sort of warning before he shows up, especially when he decides to bring his partner in crime and hid him away from me for the first hour he is here? i guess his deception will simply continue like it had for the past several months, and I’ll just have to see it for what it is. Getting any of my things or the things I need seems to be like pulling teeth, and considering that he goes on vacation tomorrow, it should prove very interesting to see how he expects to get the rest of his things, since it also seems he is assuming he can just leave behind the things he doesn’t want and have me take care of them. nice…
Have at least managed to get some things organized for myself this week, and good thing, since it appears I am going to be renting a truck on Saturday to move up to my friend Bill’s for the time being. A couple friends have wait they should have a couch at least for me to stay in town on a couple nights a week, until I get everything settled with my finances getting rearranged. Letter to the landlord goes out today, and tomorrow will be a number of phone calls to find out what parcels of mail are in transit already and what things will need to be redirected etc. Need to get my change of address taken care of at the post office too. It would be not so bad i guess to stay here one more month if I could afford it on my own, but it seems that just isn’t in the cards this week. Nothing is ever easy when life is in crisis.
In unrelated news, my nonprofit now has five Board Members, which should be enough to actually have a meeting next month to get them started watching over me so I don’t have to worry quite so much about EVERYTHING that i am doing to try and make this project work. Other than getting myself personally back on my feet over the next (hopefully) few months, is going to be to keep Aspire up and running and hopefully focus more on funding so that I can ethically ask the Board to re-negotiate the current terms of my salary, which is a pittance of what I am worth and what I should be getting once fully funded. Figuring out how I am going to get an income of $10,000 a month for a startup that is going a bit slower on some things than I had hoped, is going to be somewhat of a rough sell, unless I can get the money I need to get my 1023 processed ASAP. Have to remember to call the Spark Action People tomorrow.
Lots to do, very little time, exhausted but enduring, I know at least things are going in the direction they need to…for now…
Spent almost the entire day it seems, getting work done today. I kind of missed being able to spread out my paperwork on the couch where I could see everything in front of me. Aside from that, there’s not many better ways I can think of to they and make something positive happen right now after what has happened in the last few days. Still haven’t put together a complete plan of attack, but at least for now, it looks like there are a number of options that may allow me to get through this and really be able to concentrate on what’s important: doing the healing I needed to do before I ever met Bryan, take care of the healing that needs to be done now that I have him out of my life, and moving forward with a much better head on my shoulders now that I know I really wasn’t crazy when I thought some of the things I did all this time that he and Rob were teaming up against me to make me feel unwelcome and unsafe in my own home. The hardest part for me right now is trying to figure out how I let such a monster in my life so soon after I had just gotten away from one three and a half years ago, and what made me want to believe so badly that this wasn’t really who he is. For as much as I know I was somewhat stuck here, with a lease in my name, and still no job to pay a wage that would keep me above ground, it saddens me that what kept the two of them here was the cheap rent and the entertainment value I provided for the games they were so cruel in playing. In as much as I was hurting, though, I have been surrounded by some incredible friends who have been insistent in carrying this load with me until I am where I need to be. And many of them are going through their own major struggles right now. I keep coming back to this: the friends that I am connecting with right now and that are giving me so much more that I even at times feel comfortable in accepting, are all here for me for a reason, and while I may not have the financial resources to offer back to them, I hope I am giving them something that will continue to allow me to be among them. We are the good people, and we may be struggling right now, but we are all doing it together, and it is the strength of that togetherness that is going to get us all through this very rough patch, and is going to keep us together to celebrate the good things that we will be ready for in our future.