One step forward, two really big steps back…

So what is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen during a week that I am unpacking from a move AND trying to prepare a program launch to roll out with all the bells and whistles in one week?

That’s right, you got it:  my iPad, which has the most comprehensive and best organized files for everything, gets stolen.

Go me.

And of course, at the recommendation of an Apple geek, who explained to me that there were all kinds of problems with the location services in the new upgrade, I deactivated the :find your iPhone” app.

Go me again.

So if there’s anyone out there who would like to drop their life for a couple hours to listen to me vent, or to help me pick up these pieces so i can at least minimize the damage to my sanity and sleep patterns, please let me know.  I knew it was going to be a lot of work to get everything accomplished this week that I needed, but this is ridiculous.

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Congratulations, goodbye, don’t bother

So sometimes the truth hurts, but at least it’s the truth, and at least I finally have it.

I usually think myself a pretty good judge of character. You lied. You lied about virtually everything. You manipulated and omitted facts, and held me accountable for all of the truth, AND the lies. No wonder I was so confused and frustrated so much of the time. There was a time I wanted to understand your motivations for your actions and deceptions, but now in the end, I just really can’t care anymore. It is impossible to invest anything into something that makes so many unrelated and fictitious twists and turns, that it can no longer be followed. There was a time I wanted to fight for what I thought I was putting my faith in: I will still fight for the things I believe in, I just no longer have any hope or delusion that they might be a part of you, so I can concentrate on looking for where they might be in someone worthy of my attention. You were the very fortunate benefactor of my misjudgment: I invoked so many of the things I seek into my vision of what I wanted you to be, and perhaps that is my fault for putting too much pressure on you to live up to that. But this could have all ended so much better if you had just once tried to be honest with me, instead of making things worth at virtually every opportunity. Whether done consciously or not, and I know your actions were motivated and driven by both, you proved yourself to be the coward and the dog that you so often even stated you weren’t but that others would say you were.

Were you something to me, I would probably be wanting to give my congratulations, and well wishes that cubby makes you happy, and that you are able to move forward with your life on a path that fulfills you. However like so many of my well wishes or messages of any kind, his too would, probably not be read at all, or maybe perhaps slimmed for what context to remove for another confrontation that might be needed to skulk away conveniently as the accuser. I would like to think in some fantasy that you saved at least some of my commentary, and that you might revisit it someday when you are more ready to hear it, or at least more ready to see it for what it is: the words of an individual who, despite any of the difficulties they have faced, still believes in many ideals that while many of us strive toward them, even the best of us find ultimately unattainable; for those of us who continue the struggle find that moving even just a little bit closer to those ideals makes all the difference, even if we never complete the journey.

It has taken me perhaps longer than it should have to get to this place. I know that my reliance on some sort of factual corroboration to my own conclusions has held me back. I find it not surprising, although certainly consistent with your character, that I should have heard none of what I needed to hear from you. But perhaps that is what has made my resolve now even stronger in my own perspective. I could have been the best thing that ever came into your life, and I’ll admit there was i time I mistook you for the individual that I thought might be that for me. My projections on to you are what they are, and while they were temporarily misplaced with you, the beauty in all of this is that for the first time in a long time, I can take them back, still hold them close, and be ready to explore them with the next person that I choose to embark on a journey of getting to know. This Is the proof that previous mistakes that had resulted in a questioning of my faith have been learned from, and no longer will hold me back or cause me to hesitate upon the chance to move forward: to me this would be a true indication of survivorship. I am better for having muddled through the past three months, and it is really just to bad that so much of that was missed by both you and the person that should have been there instead. But I will find them, and at least now I know not to be afraid of how happy I really will be when I am right.

So off into non-existence you go, fortunately taking nothing of mine with you. This time I am strong enough and smart enough to hold on to all of it and look at it just like I did as if we had never met. The benefits of my experience are still there, but this time I get to say that the teacher really was me, and that I maybe benefitted from the use of a prop or a puppet in the process, but those are all tools that I would have had at my disposal anyway. The fact that they might have breathed once in a while is honestly irrelevant, since the process and results would have been exactly the same. You no longer exist in my world, because you never wanted to make a contribution to it. So your welcome: you’re off the hook. Just don’t bother coming around my sandbox anymore. I have no use for anything that’s just going to be getting in the way…

Something to say

Sometimes I really don’t know what I’m doing. With little hope of achievement and high likelihood of now playing a part in making things worse, off I go to have this goddamned conversation that I started asking for on Tuesday. I can’t get rid of the venom I taste in my blood, and I know that while it is the only thing protecting me, it is the easiest way to guarantee failure in meeting my original intent. Boy is this fun…

Apologetic Bitter Apology

I am sorry you are hurting.  I am sorry I can’t be there for you.  But you made it this way.

In fact it seems this is how you wanted it some time ago.  If I remember right, the last time i tried to give you a hug you pushed me away; it wasn’t long after that I saw you seeking and accepting comfort elsewhere.  I still can’t figure out why you felt the need to shut me out.  If one were to look at where my talents lie, I’m pretty confident that offering genuine support and care would be a pretty consistent list-topper.  You went down a path without me, and so I tried to follow, despite the obstacles and detours you put in my path.  Then you went down a road that I could not even follow you on.  I still don’t understand why it is that you felt the need to run away.

I do hope that you find someone who will give you whatever it is that you need:  now and in why ever the future holds for you.  The truth is that despite what has happened I never gave up on us, even long after you did.  Why could you not have just been honest with me?  Why did you have to drag this all out when there was literally nothing keeping you here, and torture both of us to co-exist in a world where neither of us could be happy anymore?  Why did you have to hurt me in order to walk away from what you had already given up.  If you had only told me not to follow you when you walked out, I could have respected that, even if I know it would have hurt.  I still don’t know whether to be angry at you or sorry for you, that you were not able to be honest with me or with yourself, and let this charade go on as long as it did until you made it ugly.  All I was asking for in the end was a simple acknowledgement, something that you apparently felt that I had no business asking for, even months earlier, because your expectations and demands to have your needs fulfilled were not important enough to give me what I so desperately was asking for over and over again.

I thought at one point that I had found the ideal I was hoping would complete that part of me that would allow me to move on to even greater happiness.  In destroying that perception, you have shown me that it is not necessarily the ideal that gives us the greatest gifts.  I have been hurt, inconvenienced, ignored, lied to, made a mockery, and yes, brutalized, yet I have to say despite all of that I feel more fulfilled because of the love that has been shared with me, not in crisis, but that was always there, and that I am ever so grateful for.  There are many more obstacles that you have left in your wake, but something tells me I will have an easier time navigating those than you will when your steady waters experience a swell.

And now I know that one particular swell has become a terrible storm.  And again, I wish I could be there for you, despite your past reluctance to accept my care.  I have, do, and always will love you, whatever trickery or assumption on my part may have led to those feelings.  I am sorry that you have to go through this.  I am sorry I can’t be there to have a moment of peace and not feel the need to keep a brave face all the time.  I know how incredibly brave you can be, but remember that I also know how incredibly sensitive you are underneath your thick shell.  It was that sensitivity, I think, that I fell in love with; the shell that I embraced with a smirk and a smile.  What parts of me did you embrace, no, recognize or acknowledge for anything of value?  I know that there is a lot I have to give here, and it is disheartening that one can be so stubborn to not even take a glance at what was here for you.  And I know you are hurting.  And I am sorry.  And I wish I could be there for you, even if you didn’t want me to be.  But I can’t go to where you have gone.  And I am sorry.

Whistle While You Work

Spent almost the entire day it seems, getting work done today.  I kind of missed being able to spread out my paperwork on the couch where I could see everything in front of me.  Aside from that, there’s not many better ways I can think of to they and make something positive happen right now after what has happened in the last few days.  Still haven’t put together a complete plan of attack, but at least for now, it looks like there are a number of options that may allow me to get through this and really be able to concentrate on what’s important:  doing the healing I needed to do before I ever met Bryan, take care of the healing that needs to be done now that I have him out of my life, and moving forward with a much better head on my shoulders now that I know I really wasn’t crazy when I thought some of the things I did all this time that he and Rob were teaming up against me to make me feel unwelcome and unsafe in my own home.  The hardest part for me right now is trying to figure out  how I let such a monster in my life so soon after I had just gotten away from one three and a half years ago, and what made me want to believe so badly that this wasn’t really who he is.  For as much as I know I was somewhat stuck here, with a lease in my name, and still no job to pay a wage that would keep me above ground, it saddens me that what kept the two of them here was the cheap rent and the entertainment value I provided for the games they were so cruel in playing.  In as much as I was hurting, though, I have been surrounded by some incredible friends who have been insistent in carrying this load with me until I am where I need to be.  And many of them are going through their own major struggles right now.    I keep coming back to this:  the friends that I am connecting with right now and that are giving me so much more that I even at times feel comfortable in accepting, are all here for me for a reason, and while I may not have the  financial resources to offer back to them, I hope I am giving them something that will continue to allow me to be among them.  We are the good people, and we may be struggling right now, but we are all doing it together, and it is the strength of that togetherness that is going to get us all through this very rough patch, and is going to keep us together to celebrate the good things that we will be ready for in our future.

The Short of the Long of it…

Keeping this short as it has been a long and exhausting 48 hours and I need sleep to get ready for all that now needs to get done in the upcoming days…

Bryan laid his hand on me.  He has been in a relationship with Rob for some time now.  All of this has been confirmed.  They are both staying elsewhere.  I have a lot that I need to do to resolve this.

I also have the most incredible friends to help me through it.  I am truly blessed.

Details of all, both recent past and all that is to come will be forthcoming.  I just need to document this reminder before sleep:  I am a good person and good things will happen for me, and I truly have the most wonderful loving friends that anyone could ever hope for.