One step forward, two really big steps back…

So what is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen during a week that I am unpacking from a move AND trying to prepare a program launch to roll out with all the bells and whistles in one week?

That’s right, you got it:  my iPad, which has the most comprehensive and best organized files for everything, gets stolen.

Go me.

And of course, at the recommendation of an Apple geek, who explained to me that there were all kinds of problems with the location services in the new upgrade, I deactivated the :find your iPhone” app.

Go me again.

So if there’s anyone out there who would like to drop their life for a couple hours to listen to me vent, or to help me pick up these pieces so i can at least minimize the damage to my sanity and sleep patterns, please let me know.  I knew it was going to be a lot of work to get everything accomplished this week that I needed, but this is ridiculous.

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Tired Apathy

Just having one of those days I guess. Feeling completely unmotivated to do anything. Is this just a breakdown from working so much on Aspire, as well as fruitless job hunting, and still feeling like I am getting nowhere? Am I tired, or am I burnt out? Or do I just need to REALLY let myself take a day to myself once Ina while that isn’t forced upon me or the result of feeling like this? I don’t know. For right now, all I want to do is sit here and eat candy and maybe watch some TV, if I can find the damn remote…

Whistle While You Work, or Why I Rock

So I walk in to the office today, and there is like no one there. Only the managers and supervisors and me…so not sure what is going on, I join the meeting, and my boss just keeps going with his supervisor training that he is doing today. Mind you I am not a supervisor yet. At the end of the meeting, I can see my boss pointing me out as he is finishing the training, and talking to me like I already am a supervisor. I know that if things continue to go smoothly this week, that promotion could come as early as next week, which would be fantastic, but to have my boss looking at me and talking to me like I am already one of the leaders on his team feels really juicy.

To top it all off, as we’re getting ready to leave the office, the results from a two week sales contest come in. Out of three offices, four of us were going to be selected, based on our sales and performance, to be guests of DirecTV, in their luxury box suite, to a catered event at Coors field for one of the Colorado Rockies games next week. Aside from the fanfare of July 4th fireworks that night, we will be given the royal treatment, with a catered affair and prime AIR CONDITIONED viewing of the game as stars of the company from three different offices. O the four winners, three were from our office, and I WAS ONE OF THE WINNERS!!!!!!!!!

It is so nice to be recognized for achievement, but even more gratifying to see that my boss and fellow coworkers were actually happy for me that I had won. Hrs work is one thing, but hard work accompanied by the genuine support of the people you se every day makes work simply a joy and a payday every time I go in.

It’s been a real long time since I’ve allowed myself to feel this good about myself. And yes at a couple points today the threat of tears did come through. I am overwhelmed by the good fortune I have had over the past month. I am overjoyed that I have been able to grab it and make absolutely the most that I know how with it. I am astounded that for the first time I my life I can envision and see so many of my most incredible dreams coming true, and that I can see true and total happiness within my grasp and within my control. This also comes with a fear and knowledge that I have a distinct talent for self sabotage. This time thou, I have a stronger resolve than I have ever felt to not let myself get scared. No more what ifs or woulda shoulda couldas. This time, I have the opportunity and the ability and the authority to make it happen. I will make my dreams come true. Not because I have to or I am afraid not to, but because if these small victories feel this good, I can’t wait to see what it feels like when the dreams I have really do come true!

Smells Like Teen Spirit, or Why I Want a Car YESTERDAY

Ok so i am exaggerating a little bit…

But how stupid does it feel when your supervisor invites you to dinner, you think you have it all planned out, and then AFTER dinner, you realize you read the bus schedule wrong…?

This I now know…because I am a dork, and I did read the bus / light rail schedule wrong…thankfully I have a supervisor who is good natured and friendly, and who has allowed me to sleep on his couch. So here I am, almost 37, kind of feeling stupid that I am taking to the charity of a 25 year old…

At least he didn’t just tell me to find a way home, and at least my pride wasn’t so fragile that’s was afraid to admit I was a dork and pretend all was good…so I may be a little rough around the edges for work tomorrow…I’ve dealt with worse circumstances…and at least now I know that I am of course a valued member of the team since we had breakfast this morning for the second time, AND I had been invited to dinner tonight, and after being a total dork, he still (at least at this point) seems to look at me like I am generally a good guy…

Things could be a lot worse…

Gooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaal!

Closed my first deal today, and it felt AWESOME! Feel like the only things standing in my way are structural, and like I can overcome them both so much more easily now that this part of my life is simply going to flow. With the initial worry over getting that first sale closed, I feel like now I have both the knowledge and the confidence to get the job done, and get it done faster than even I might have thought I could.

Found out that the manager’s conference this year got pushed back into November, and also feel like that’s close enough to my original goal, that I can push up my plan to be in management a couple months so I can qualify to go to Jamaica. Never been, so know it would be a great incentive to shoot for.

Gt to fly solo for the first day tomorrow, and I CAN’T WAIT!

Moving Right Along

Attitude is everything. Today flew by. Perhaps part of it was having an extended meeting at the office before going out into the field. I think more of it was hearing about some of the successes people are having, and really seeing how much opportunity there really is for me at this place.

I like to consider myself somewhat malleable: I have managed to adapt to a number of different work environments in the past several years. I have been in counter food service, residential treatment, juvenile corrections, retail management, founding and nonprofit executive management, and now this. With little exception, I have managed in most cases to gain the trust and confidence of my coworkers, respect and accolades from my managers and overseers, and had the benefits of relative success and incredible knowledge acquisition. As I look at all of these, I keep being reminded of how all these experiences keep making me better, and while there have been times in all of these endeavors that I questioned the magic, or if this was REALLY what I wanted to be doing, I know that every one of them has either gotten me closer to “the dream”, or been a strong complement to that process.

I am still not entirely convinced that this opportunity will be the perfect fit for me. As I continue to presently have two full time jobs: this one, and Aspire, Inc., there is a big part of me that wonder if I will ever find a single perfect match, and I am reminded how I was told in the 7th grade this would be one of my most difficult struggles. I can honestly say I am beginning to really enjoy the work I am doing with this new job, and I can tell you the potential is tremendous. I let my supervisor in on my goal to be in management by the first of the year, and to hear such a positive reaction from someone who has been with the company for a year and a half and not gotten there yet was both flattering and encouraging. The fact that after a week he had no doubts that I cold be in that role on my timeline made me feel great. There was even some confusion when I started talking about it, and when he thought I was talking about being a supervisor by the end of the year, he seemed poised to tell me that I wasn’t being ambitious enough, as if he believed that expectation was selling myself short. I haven’t made a sale yet, but there were two things that really hit me today: the first was that just by a law of averages, once I have the store to myself on Saturday, ALL the sales that get made will be mine, and that once I break through that barrier, I know the success will simply start to flow naturally. Especially now knowing that my goals are more than realistic, and that there are going to be people encouraging me to achieve them, I feel like I may really be able to have the kind of success that I want to have at any, but particularly this job.

So much of my life has been motivated by fear and the need to find a way to survive. I got a brief but distant glimpse of what that could look like when I was working at the last job I left. For the first time, I feel like I really do have control over my destiny, and that life is not a waiting game for me to keep looking around for the perfect fit. I can do incredibly well at this job, AND still maintain the nonprofit I founded to fulfill my desire to become a philanthropeneur. I can become a business leader in this industry AND work to empower people and communities through my charitable and philanthropic efforts. I can enjoy doing something that I know I am really good at, AND continue to build on doing something that I already have a passion for.

I’ve never believed before so strongly: life really is what you make of it.

Better Busy Than Bored

So it’s always nice when the guy training you offers to take you out to breakfast. It will officially be a week at work today, and I get the impression they are pretty pleased with me. The people at work seem to all be very friendly, if not sometimes bordering on the cheesy side, but at the same time, it makes the day go by pretty quickly when we spend our first hour of the day I. Some sort of training mode, with all the excitement, and then go out into the field to do our sales work.

It’s not my ideal job, to be perfectly honest, but there is some pretty good opportunity to move up rather quickly, and while I feel like I am doing well here, I know there is somewhere else I would rather be, doing something that I am happier doing. I can honestly say I LIKE this Jon, but I am also pretty sure it is something that I do not think I will ever LOVE doing, if that makes sense.

For now, I have stopped sending out new resumes, and am taking a little more of a passive approach to things, but that stems more from just the sheer time constraint involved in an hour to hour and a half commute each ay to work on public transit. I don’t mind taking the bus / light rail, but I know that I will have a lot more time once I get back on my feet and get a car again. I did hate having a car payment, but there was also an incredible amount of pride that I felt in knowing that I was back to a pace in my life where I could afford to take on.

I’ll be getting back to that soon, and soon will be able to do it without needing so much help from friends. Somehow I can just feel it.

On Display

I am not a fan of initial interviews: the ones where you go in, they take one look at you, smile, and then say “so we’ll call you soon”. Five minutes of their time is at least a coup,e hours of mine, and I honestly find it kind of insulting and a little bit transparent as well. While we all know that it is illegal to make hiring decisions based on general attractiveness, it is clear that this “initial interview” process is used for just that. This is, after all, a marketing and management company, and it’s impossible to deny that in that type of environment, aesthetics come into play.

And it has nothing to do with my self confidence. I would consider myself of generally above average in the looks department, and I’ve gotten my fair share of favorable comments when I put a minimum of effort into my appearance. That being said, and even though a company might currently have an upper hand in this interaction, I find it kind of insulting to ask me to out in considerable time to prepare to meet, and then only be given five minutes of their time. I know my time is worth more of an investment than that. Fortunately, given what I know about management / marketing, and what I discovered in researching this company, I have plenty of reason to believe that I will be selected for the next round of interviews. I am supposed to hear from them later this afternoon, and while I do want to get back to a paying job as soon as I can, and I will certainly continue to pursue this opportunity, I’m also not holding my breath in anticipation of any type of result after feeling like, at least to this point, my time was not valued as it should have been.

Congratulations, goodbye, don’t bother

So sometimes the truth hurts, but at least it’s the truth, and at least I finally have it.

I usually think myself a pretty good judge of character. You lied. You lied about virtually everything. You manipulated and omitted facts, and held me accountable for all of the truth, AND the lies. No wonder I was so confused and frustrated so much of the time. There was a time I wanted to understand your motivations for your actions and deceptions, but now in the end, I just really can’t care anymore. It is impossible to invest anything into something that makes so many unrelated and fictitious twists and turns, that it can no longer be followed. There was a time I wanted to fight for what I thought I was putting my faith in: I will still fight for the things I believe in, I just no longer have any hope or delusion that they might be a part of you, so I can concentrate on looking for where they might be in someone worthy of my attention. You were the very fortunate benefactor of my misjudgment: I invoked so many of the things I seek into my vision of what I wanted you to be, and perhaps that is my fault for putting too much pressure on you to live up to that. But this could have all ended so much better if you had just once tried to be honest with me, instead of making things worth at virtually every opportunity. Whether done consciously or not, and I know your actions were motivated and driven by both, you proved yourself to be the coward and the dog that you so often even stated you weren’t but that others would say you were.

Were you something to me, I would probably be wanting to give my congratulations, and well wishes that cubby makes you happy, and that you are able to move forward with your life on a path that fulfills you. However like so many of my well wishes or messages of any kind, his too would, probably not be read at all, or maybe perhaps slimmed for what context to remove for another confrontation that might be needed to skulk away conveniently as the accuser. I would like to think in some fantasy that you saved at least some of my commentary, and that you might revisit it someday when you are more ready to hear it, or at least more ready to see it for what it is: the words of an individual who, despite any of the difficulties they have faced, still believes in many ideals that while many of us strive toward them, even the best of us find ultimately unattainable; for those of us who continue the struggle find that moving even just a little bit closer to those ideals makes all the difference, even if we never complete the journey.

It has taken me perhaps longer than it should have to get to this place. I know that my reliance on some sort of factual corroboration to my own conclusions has held me back. I find it not surprising, although certainly consistent with your character, that I should have heard none of what I needed to hear from you. But perhaps that is what has made my resolve now even stronger in my own perspective. I could have been the best thing that ever came into your life, and I’ll admit there was i time I mistook you for the individual that I thought might be that for me. My projections on to you are what they are, and while they were temporarily misplaced with you, the beauty in all of this is that for the first time in a long time, I can take them back, still hold them close, and be ready to explore them with the next person that I choose to embark on a journey of getting to know. This Is the proof that previous mistakes that had resulted in a questioning of my faith have been learned from, and no longer will hold me back or cause me to hesitate upon the chance to move forward: to me this would be a true indication of survivorship. I am better for having muddled through the past three months, and it is really just to bad that so much of that was missed by both you and the person that should have been there instead. But I will find them, and at least now I know not to be afraid of how happy I really will be when I am right.

So off into non-existence you go, fortunately taking nothing of mine with you. This time I am strong enough and smart enough to hold on to all of it and look at it just like I did as if we had never met. The benefits of my experience are still there, but this time I get to say that the teacher really was me, and that I maybe benefitted from the use of a prop or a puppet in the process, but those are all tools that I would have had at my disposal anyway. The fact that they might have breathed once in a while is honestly irrelevant, since the process and results would have been exactly the same. You no longer exist in my world, because you never wanted to make a contribution to it. So your welcome: you’re off the hook. Just don’t bother coming around my sandbox anymore. I have no use for anything that’s just going to be getting in the way…