So I think it MIGHT be time to finally say goodbye once and for all…
I should like to say I put in the good fight for this. I tried to be at my best, and when I wasn’t I tried to be accountable and learn so that WE could be better. Something inside me wanted to believe you were at least worth that, and for a time I am sure I thought you were much more.
You asked me in an email what I wanted out of “us” about a week ago. My answer was reflexive, honest, naked. I took a risk telling you several things in my reply, because it was truly what I wanted and I thought I could trust you enough to at least not hurt me with what I had revealed to you. When I requested that you answer the same question for me, you said you would “soon”, and I can honestly say I think I stopped waiting for “soon” to come more than two days ago.
Things haven’t been perfect, but part of what I loved was that I was learning to be better, or so I thought. I thought my growth would in turn help us to grow closer, and that you would also start to recognize that you were becoming a better person, even if just in my eyes, than I already thought you were.
With our most recent struggle, and I know it was a big one, you continued to do as you have done before, and put me off, or even undermine your integrity with me. Your reasons for your self destruction are your own, but I had offered my support, and I thought that maybe you were starting to show a little more respect for both of us, and not so much fear.
But time to think for you has clearly been more. Time to play, to do your own thing, and to keep me at bay, waiting in the wings that we were both developing a reluctant comfort to my standing in. I had become used to waiting, to chasing, to fighting for both of us because I wanted to believe that there was something incredible we could share together.
I was more than ready to love you. I think I already did. I thought that meant something to you. But your words whisper so much softer than the symphony of actions that you continue to orchestrate, and although there are interludes of beautiful music, the dissonant tones of your careless execution leave me no choice but to find another conductor.
I will value the things I have taught myself because of knowing you. I still believe they do make me better. But just as I have to realize that you don’t want me to be a part of this, I also need to start taking credit for the good things that I do when I do them. It is only now that I realize the muse for my inquiry was inconsequential: I would have found circumstance for these teachings at some point, and you happened to be in my sightline when I began to take notice.
The window will always remain open to show me a different kind of person that you might be someday. I am sad that it wasn’t worth searching for when I was here. You might be worth fighting for, but so am I. I also can’t fight with you for the sake of us anymore. So if someday you find yourself firing up a passion for what might be, then maybe I’ll be ready to take on this journey again.