Moving Right Along

Attitude is everything. Today flew by. Perhaps part of it was having an extended meeting at the office before going out into the field. I think more of it was hearing about some of the successes people are having, and really seeing how much opportunity there really is for me at this place.

I like to consider myself somewhat malleable: I have managed to adapt to a number of different work environments in the past several years. I have been in counter food service, residential treatment, juvenile corrections, retail management, founding and nonprofit executive management, and now this. With little exception, I have managed in most cases to gain the trust and confidence of my coworkers, respect and accolades from my managers and overseers, and had the benefits of relative success and incredible knowledge acquisition. As I look at all of these, I keep being reminded of how all these experiences keep making me better, and while there have been times in all of these endeavors that I questioned the magic, or if this was REALLY what I wanted to be doing, I know that every one of them has either gotten me closer to “the dream”, or been a strong complement to that process.

I am still not entirely convinced that this opportunity will be the perfect fit for me. As I continue to presently have two full time jobs: this one, and Aspire, Inc., there is a big part of me that wonder if I will ever find a single perfect match, and I am reminded how I was told in the 7th grade this would be one of my most difficult struggles. I can honestly say I am beginning to really enjoy the work I am doing with this new job, and I can tell you the potential is tremendous. I let my supervisor in on my goal to be in management by the first of the year, and to hear such a positive reaction from someone who has been with the company for a year and a half and not gotten there yet was both flattering and encouraging. The fact that after a week he had no doubts that I cold be in that role on my timeline made me feel great. There was even some confusion when I started talking about it, and when he thought I was talking about being a supervisor by the end of the year, he seemed poised to tell me that I wasn’t being ambitious enough, as if he believed that expectation was selling myself short. I haven’t made a sale yet, but there were two things that really hit me today: the first was that just by a law of averages, once I have the store to myself on Saturday, ALL the sales that get made will be mine, and that once I break through that barrier, I know the success will simply start to flow naturally. Especially now knowing that my goals are more than realistic, and that there are going to be people encouraging me to achieve them, I feel like I may really be able to have the kind of success that I want to have at any, but particularly this job.

So much of my life has been motivated by fear and the need to find a way to survive. I got a brief but distant glimpse of what that could look like when I was working at the last job I left. For the first time, I feel like I really do have control over my destiny, and that life is not a waiting game for me to keep looking around for the perfect fit. I can do incredibly well at this job, AND still maintain the nonprofit I founded to fulfill my desire to become a philanthropeneur. I can become a business leader in this industry AND work to empower people and communities through my charitable and philanthropic efforts. I can enjoy doing something that I know I am really good at, AND continue to build on doing something that I already have a passion for.

I’ve never believed before so strongly: life really is what you make of it.

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Better Busy Than Bored

So it’s always nice when the guy training you offers to take you out to breakfast. It will officially be a week at work today, and I get the impression they are pretty pleased with me. The people at work seem to all be very friendly, if not sometimes bordering on the cheesy side, but at the same time, it makes the day go by pretty quickly when we spend our first hour of the day I. Some sort of training mode, with all the excitement, and then go out into the field to do our sales work.

It’s not my ideal job, to be perfectly honest, but there is some pretty good opportunity to move up rather quickly, and while I feel like I am doing well here, I know there is somewhere else I would rather be, doing something that I am happier doing. I can honestly say I LIKE this Jon, but I am also pretty sure it is something that I do not think I will ever LOVE doing, if that makes sense.

For now, I have stopped sending out new resumes, and am taking a little more of a passive approach to things, but that stems more from just the sheer time constraint involved in an hour to hour and a half commute each ay to work on public transit. I don’t mind taking the bus / light rail, but I know that I will have a lot more time once I get back on my feet and get a car again. I did hate having a car payment, but there was also an incredible amount of pride that I felt in knowing that I was back to a pace in my life where I could afford to take on.

I’ll be getting back to that soon, and soon will be able to do it without needing so much help from friends. Somehow I can just feel it.

Moving Monstrosity in Motion

So why is it on one of the two days that I have planned for packing that every complication imaginable has to materialize? All of a student the friend who has been staying with me is having guests over to my apartment, and all attempts to try and start organizing things and get them ready for the move are made incredibly complex. I was on a good roll yesterday when I was organizing some files, but now it seems that for every task i take on, the mess just seems to get bigger, and for every box that I empty out, I have less boxed to use for packing my move. I am supposed to go down to see L’s place tonight, but that has already been a three day postponement, and the coordination of our meeting today has been complicated by the baseball game, a friend that she needs to help with their car, and my phone’s coverage currently being more spotty than a Dalmatian.

What would be really nice would be if the people that were present would either help me get things organized or get the hell out of my way. Instead, there are an increasing amount of dishes to clean, more obstacles to move around, and more things that “need ” to be used instead of be packed. I am really getting ready to just start pulling out the funk attitude again and make everyone else feel REALLY uncomfortable so they scatter and I can do what needs to get done.

On Display

I am not a fan of initial interviews: the ones where you go in, they take one look at you, smile, and then say “so we’ll call you soon”. Five minutes of their time is at least a coup,e hours of mine, and I honestly find it kind of insulting and a little bit transparent as well. While we all know that it is illegal to make hiring decisions based on general attractiveness, it is clear that this “initial interview” process is used for just that. This is, after all, a marketing and management company, and it’s impossible to deny that in that type of environment, aesthetics come into play.

And it has nothing to do with my self confidence. I would consider myself of generally above average in the looks department, and I’ve gotten my fair share of favorable comments when I put a minimum of effort into my appearance. That being said, and even though a company might currently have an upper hand in this interaction, I find it kind of insulting to ask me to out in considerable time to prepare to meet, and then only be given five minutes of their time. I know my time is worth more of an investment than that. Fortunately, given what I know about management / marketing, and what I discovered in researching this company, I have plenty of reason to believe that I will be selected for the next round of interviews. I am supposed to hear from them later this afternoon, and while I do want to get back to a paying job as soon as I can, and I will certainly continue to pursue this opportunity, I’m also not holding my breath in anticipation of any type of result after feeling like, at least to this point, my time was not valued as it should have been.

Congratulations, goodbye, don’t bother

So sometimes the truth hurts, but at least it’s the truth, and at least I finally have it.

I usually think myself a pretty good judge of character. You lied. You lied about virtually everything. You manipulated and omitted facts, and held me accountable for all of the truth, AND the lies. No wonder I was so confused and frustrated so much of the time. There was a time I wanted to understand your motivations for your actions and deceptions, but now in the end, I just really can’t care anymore. It is impossible to invest anything into something that makes so many unrelated and fictitious twists and turns, that it can no longer be followed. There was a time I wanted to fight for what I thought I was putting my faith in: I will still fight for the things I believe in, I just no longer have any hope or delusion that they might be a part of you, so I can concentrate on looking for where they might be in someone worthy of my attention. You were the very fortunate benefactor of my misjudgment: I invoked so many of the things I seek into my vision of what I wanted you to be, and perhaps that is my fault for putting too much pressure on you to live up to that. But this could have all ended so much better if you had just once tried to be honest with me, instead of making things worth at virtually every opportunity. Whether done consciously or not, and I know your actions were motivated and driven by both, you proved yourself to be the coward and the dog that you so often even stated you weren’t but that others would say you were.

Were you something to me, I would probably be wanting to give my congratulations, and well wishes that cubby makes you happy, and that you are able to move forward with your life on a path that fulfills you. However like so many of my well wishes or messages of any kind, his too would, probably not be read at all, or maybe perhaps slimmed for what context to remove for another confrontation that might be needed to skulk away conveniently as the accuser. I would like to think in some fantasy that you saved at least some of my commentary, and that you might revisit it someday when you are more ready to hear it, or at least more ready to see it for what it is: the words of an individual who, despite any of the difficulties they have faced, still believes in many ideals that while many of us strive toward them, even the best of us find ultimately unattainable; for those of us who continue the struggle find that moving even just a little bit closer to those ideals makes all the difference, even if we never complete the journey.

It has taken me perhaps longer than it should have to get to this place. I know that my reliance on some sort of factual corroboration to my own conclusions has held me back. I find it not surprising, although certainly consistent with your character, that I should have heard none of what I needed to hear from you. But perhaps that is what has made my resolve now even stronger in my own perspective. I could have been the best thing that ever came into your life, and I’ll admit there was i time I mistook you for the individual that I thought might be that for me. My projections on to you are what they are, and while they were temporarily misplaced with you, the beauty in all of this is that for the first time in a long time, I can take them back, still hold them close, and be ready to explore them with the next person that I choose to embark on a journey of getting to know. This Is the proof that previous mistakes that had resulted in a questioning of my faith have been learned from, and no longer will hold me back or cause me to hesitate upon the chance to move forward: to me this would be a true indication of survivorship. I am better for having muddled through the past three months, and it is really just to bad that so much of that was missed by both you and the person that should have been there instead. But I will find them, and at least now I know not to be afraid of how happy I really will be when I am right.

So off into non-existence you go, fortunately taking nothing of mine with you. This time I am strong enough and smart enough to hold on to all of it and look at it just like I did as if we had never met. The benefits of my experience are still there, but this time I get to say that the teacher really was me, and that I maybe benefitted from the use of a prop or a puppet in the process, but those are all tools that I would have had at my disposal anyway. The fact that they might have breathed once in a while is honestly irrelevant, since the process and results would have been exactly the same. You no longer exist in my world, because you never wanted to make a contribution to it. So your welcome: you’re off the hook. Just don’t bother coming around my sandbox anymore. I have no use for anything that’s just going to be getting in the way…

Just when you think it can’t get (insert adjective here), it does…

So I’d like to think that this applies when things are going well to…

Unfortunately for me, the crap continues to pile up and I just don’t know when it will stop. I have roughly $260 to my name, which might, just might be enough to dig a hole deep enough to crawl into.

I am considering getting a “pod” which would then leave me not enough money to get a flight to Detroit, where my friend deb says I can get a job waiting tables fairly quickly. I am afraid to ask the few friends left that I have here in Denver for any help since I don’t feel right asking for their help after they have either already been so good to me or I am sure that my ask would create a rift.

There are jobs out there, but so far none of them that are considering my résumé as anything serious.

I am more and more at wits end very day. I can’t remember the last night I slept soundly or though the night. I am tired all the time. I am sick of this…

Power Outage

So just when I think I might be making some headway to get back on track, my electric gets turned off.

Why can’t I have things go smoothly, even just for a little while?

I’m not asking for miracles here, really. Just a break to go my way once Ina while would be nice…

Side by Side

Yes I am stealing from the great composer, Stephen Sondheim . But it goes without saying that I do have some really great friends…

One of those great friends got me out of the house, and got me to have a GREAT time at the casino, a place that I normally do not go to or particularly think of as a good time. The fact that I was up about $100 by the end of the night I am sure helped, but more important was the good company. It helped me realize how much I enjoy being social, and how little I have been social and about town, really for a number of years. Either I have not been a position to be social like I would like to be, or I have been in a relationship unhealthy enough on some level that I either didn’t want to (or perhaps was too ashamed to) be out for public consumption.

I think it is high time that I start returning to the type of me that I remember once made me so happy, and that incidentally led me to be in the company of the kind of people I wanted to have in my life. I would normally say that I am still right now not in a position to be going out on the town, but there is also a part of me that feels like a Wednesday night just might be a good night for a warm up, and there’s a new bar in town that I’ve heard good things about. There’s also that extra hundred bucks that I hadn’t planned for that I “earned” , not that I’ll spend it all in one place, and not that I’m sure there aren’t better places for me to be spending it, but I think at least a little bit of that money would be well spent on finding an old friend: me.

Working Weekend…

Can’t believe it will be Monday tomorrow, and it will all start again. There was no resting this weekend: helping a friend move int my little place and getting him settled on the futon / me settled with so much less space to move in…I worry if this will work should there be any need for a timeframe longer than a couple months, if that. I spent most of today feeling trapped in my room, trying not to wake him as I crept out to the hall to get some laundry done, and then when he did wake up, it was barely enough time for me to cook dinner and he was back to sleep. Watching tv or movies on my computer or iPad is just not the same when my 46″ flatscreen is on the other side if the wall in front of me. Even if it is mostly background noise while I am doing computer things or whatever, it seems so much less comforting when it’s coming from my laptop.

But it was a productive weekend, all things aside. My apartment is a lot cleaner, my laundry much closer to being clean and organized instead of piled at the foot of my bed. I have a full refrigerator, with things both prepared already and things that I can choose to prepare as the week goes on. I seem to feel like I have a purpose to my activities as I get ready to start the week, even if I have no sense of direction or where I should be trying to go…

There’s a part of me though that feels like just having the desire to do something is an improvement…

Ominous Outing

So if there’s anything I hate more than moving, it’s helping someone else move. Karma being who she is though, it seems every time I volunteer (yes I volunteered to help) for this Herculean effort of kindness, I end up doing it for someone that packs the same way I do: not at all.

I did resolve this time though that I would be helping MOVE. Not packing, not coordinating, not troubleshooting, and I think this by default, completely off the hook for bringing the emotional glue-stick.

God I hate moving…and I know there’s a lot of other things I NEED to be doing. But Karma likes it when you pay it forward too…so I am bracing myself, packing a lite self preservation kit of Inge I can occupy myself with while packing and organizing and emotional meltdowns are going on. Then I will carry boxes, load truck / car / whatever, and console those that are falling apart…

Damn…can I ever get out of having to supply the emotional glue stick for one of these things?

So I will try to hold firm, because I am in crisis a bit lately too. But I will help too…and hopefully no balances will be tipped today…