Apologetic Bitter Apology

I am sorry you are hurting.  I am sorry I can’t be there for you.  But you made it this way.

In fact it seems this is how you wanted it some time ago.  If I remember right, the last time i tried to give you a hug you pushed me away; it wasn’t long after that I saw you seeking and accepting comfort elsewhere.  I still can’t figure out why you felt the need to shut me out.  If one were to look at where my talents lie, I’m pretty confident that offering genuine support and care would be a pretty consistent list-topper.  You went down a path without me, and so I tried to follow, despite the obstacles and detours you put in my path.  Then you went down a road that I could not even follow you on.  I still don’t understand why it is that you felt the need to run away.

I do hope that you find someone who will give you whatever it is that you need:  now and in why ever the future holds for you.  The truth is that despite what has happened I never gave up on us, even long after you did.  Why could you not have just been honest with me?  Why did you have to drag this all out when there was literally nothing keeping you here, and torture both of us to co-exist in a world where neither of us could be happy anymore?  Why did you have to hurt me in order to walk away from what you had already given up.  If you had only told me not to follow you when you walked out, I could have respected that, even if I know it would have hurt.  I still don’t know whether to be angry at you or sorry for you, that you were not able to be honest with me or with yourself, and let this charade go on as long as it did until you made it ugly.  All I was asking for in the end was a simple acknowledgement, something that you apparently felt that I had no business asking for, even months earlier, because your expectations and demands to have your needs fulfilled were not important enough to give me what I so desperately was asking for over and over again.

I thought at one point that I had found the ideal I was hoping would complete that part of me that would allow me to move on to even greater happiness.  In destroying that perception, you have shown me that it is not necessarily the ideal that gives us the greatest gifts.  I have been hurt, inconvenienced, ignored, lied to, made a mockery, and yes, brutalized, yet I have to say despite all of that I feel more fulfilled because of the love that has been shared with me, not in crisis, but that was always there, and that I am ever so grateful for.  There are many more obstacles that you have left in your wake, but something tells me I will have an easier time navigating those than you will when your steady waters experience a swell.

And now I know that one particular swell has become a terrible storm.  And again, I wish I could be there for you, despite your past reluctance to accept my care.  I have, do, and always will love you, whatever trickery or assumption on my part may have led to those feelings.  I am sorry that you have to go through this.  I am sorry I can’t be there to have a moment of peace and not feel the need to keep a brave face all the time.  I know how incredibly brave you can be, but remember that I also know how incredibly sensitive you are underneath your thick shell.  It was that sensitivity, I think, that I fell in love with; the shell that I embraced with a smirk and a smile.  What parts of me did you embrace, no, recognize or acknowledge for anything of value?  I know that there is a lot I have to give here, and it is disheartening that one can be so stubborn to not even take a glance at what was here for you.  And I know you are hurting.  And I am sorry.  And I wish I could be there for you, even if you didn’t want me to be.  But I can’t go to where you have gone.  And I am sorry.

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THe Good, The Bad, and the Really Really Ugly

The Good:  I can’t express how much of an impact it has when I feel appreciated.  I don’t mean parades or carnival or the like every time I do something right, but just that fact that I can tell there is absolutely no pretense or judgement from my friend Bill whenever I do something makes all the difference in the world.  Immediately it reinforces that I do have some value and that my actions are more than random events, but they have an impact on both myself and the people around me.  I have seen how it can be a lot easier to criticize someone for what they did not accomplish or did not complete to certain expectations or standards first hand, and I know how much it wore me down to not wanting to do anything at all because there was no opportunity for me to get any sort of positive outcomes even from the most successful performances.  Just the opposite has happened in the case of where I am now.  Not only am I feeling like there are things I do well and are appreciated, I continue to want to do them more often and with better outcomes than the last time, not only for the reinforcement that I gain externally, but I am also beginning to see the internal reward for these things, and no longer worrying about fighting off the criticisms of incomplete or less than par, or whatever you want to call it.  Even when I make mistakes, or something goes wrong, I look at it now as an opportunity to learn, rather than subject to avoid.  I am becoming more assertive and bringing topics to the conversation that are relevant and enriching to me, and while some of them may seem remedial or fundamental or elementary to an outsider, the encouragement I get for WANTING to improve is an incredible reward.

The Bad:  While I was able to accomplish a number of necessary tasks in town today, there are still some lingering priority matters that are becoming increasingly frustrating.  I feel like I was led on a bit of a wild goose chase tonight to resolve some of this, and don’t really have anything to show for it other than added aggravation and worry that some of this may never really be resolved.  For as much has been accomplished and set for the, there are a few key elements that are becoming increasingly hard to deal with, and the ones that fare still at this point open-ended are of significance.  Tis makes them burn with ever-increasing brightness at the front of my mind, and keep me distracted form a lot of other things that I am needing to put effort into, and now those too are starting to spark an urgency that can quickly lead to the panic of fires or worse yet, the cold embers of damage control.  Unfortunately i am not the only one with control in these matters, and while I have done my best to be cordial, fair, and even accommodating, it should come as no surprise, but is infuriating that this is not reciprocated.

The Really Really Ugly:  I think that we all have a couple of things that we struggle with, for whatever reason, and these things repeatedly do significant damage to our cores or our characters.  Some of us as we become better adults, learn means of compensation or ordeal themselves to take these things head on, to varying degrees of success.  One of these that I am constantly hurting myself and others with is my floundering or even outright avoidance of communication when there is difficulty, or in how I present that difficulty to others.  Tonight this hurt one of the people who has so instrumental in my continuing to have all of my wordily possessions, a place to lay my head at night, and who has shown me such amazing love over the past few weeks, that it hurt them I think even more than doubly that I did not communicate as well as I should have.  I had borrowed Bill’s car to go in to the city to get some things accomplished, and when things began to get difficult for me, my attention to respecting his stake in the situation was ignored.  It is something I have done to a number of people on different occasions, and for different reasons.  The situations leading totem are usually different, but my actions and the overall outcome caries a cloud that becomes increasingly hurtful to others, painful to me, and really a very accurate portrayal of me that I want to be the opposite of.  In tonight’s case, there were some things that I got a bit misled in trying to accomplish, and yes my phone did lose power.  But there is a bigger picture bottom line that I had his car, and I had left in the morning with a plan for half a day in which my return journey ended at midnight.  I don’t remember what time our last contact was, but that it had been hours was inconsiderate, selfish, and just plain wrong.  I know  all of this and what bothers me most I think, is that I continue to do the same exact thing when I get over involved in something, or when I start to fear even the smaller t repercussions, I go completely over the deep end and turn what is probably a small matter of unanticipated consideration into a catastrophic calamity that has no chance of generating any sort of positive outcomes.  I know that I don’t want to continue to do this, yet I do anyway.  I know it’s consequences, yet can’t seem to stop myself from reverting to these behaviors that I know I want to avoid, and so once I start them, they become the beginning of even deeper and more sinister behaviors that are in avoidance of the consequences for the first ones.  Even right now, I am hiding in my bedroom, and know Bill is out there, angry and hurt, and I am avoiding him, partially in the hopes he will cool off, but also in the hopes that I can simply avoid addressing this when the time comes.  I can justify my avoidance with completely logical or even well intentioned rhetoric at times, but the fact remains:  I am masking a much bigger issue that I don’t know how to address, and don’t know that I have the ability to overcome, not because I am incapable, but because the problem itself is cyclically symptomized by my avoiding it until something else becomes more pressing or distracting and I can avoid facing it at all.