When Incredibly Grateful Isn’t Enough

I have to say, there are certain people that I am very lucky to have in my life.  I am so incredibly fortunate to know them all, and to feel their unconditional love every day.  Some I may talk to or see more often than others, some may reach out to me or may be waiting for me to make contact, but every time our paths cross, it is something special; and that I look forward to sometimes before the most recent contact is over.  That I am able to lose my sense of time with these people proves true one of my favorite passages in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and is an overflowing source of my belief in the good of this life, making it worth living.  I may not talk to each one of you every time I have something to share, and we may have more to catch up on that one thing the next time we speak.  We may find a reason to touch base for an hour and a half four different times this week.   No matter the reason or the time in between, know that I love all of you so much and I am forever grateful, with the hope that I am able to give you even just a glimmer of the beacons that you shine for me to light my way…

“If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we’ve destroyed our own brotherhood! But overcome space, and all we have left is Here. Overcome time, and all we have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don’t you think that we might see each other once or twice?”

― Richard BachJonathan Livingston Seagull

Long Week Already and Big Weekend Ahead

So Bryan decided to stop by unannounced yesterday, which sent me for a bit of a spell.  Is it so unreasonable of me to demand that I get some sort of warning before he shows up, especially when he decides to bring his partner in crime and hid him away from me for the first hour he is here?  i guess his deception will simply continue like it had for the past several months, and I’ll just have to see it for what it is.  Getting any of my things or the things I need seems to be like pulling teeth, and considering that he goes on vacation tomorrow, it should prove very interesting to see how he expects to get the rest of his things, since it also seems he is assuming he can just leave behind the things he doesn’t want and have me take care of them.  nice…

Have at least managed to get some things organized for myself this week, and good thing, since it appears I am going to be renting a truck on Saturday to move up to my friend Bill’s for the time being.  A couple friends have wait they should have a couch at least for me to stay in town on a couple nights a week, until I get everything settled with my finances getting rearranged.  Letter to the landlord goes out today, and tomorrow will be a number of phone calls to find out what parcels of mail are in transit already and what things will need to be redirected etc.  Need to get my change of address taken care of at the post office too.  It would be not so bad i guess to stay here one more month if I could afford it on my own, but it seems that just isn’t in the cards this week.  Nothing is ever easy when life is in crisis.

In unrelated news, my nonprofit now has five Board Members, which should be enough to actually have a meeting next month to get them started watching over me so I don’t have to worry quite so much about EVERYTHING that i am doing to try and make this project work.  Other than getting myself personally back on my feet over the next (hopefully) few months, is going to be to keep Aspire up and running and hopefully focus more on funding so that I can ethically ask the Board to re-negotiate the current terms of my salary, which is a pittance of what I am worth and what I should be getting once fully funded.  Figuring out how I am going to get an income of $10,000 a month for a startup that is going a bit slower on some things than I had hoped, is going to be somewhat of a rough sell, unless I can get the money I need to get my 1023 processed ASAP.  Have to remember to call the Spark Action People tomorrow.

Lots to do, very little time, exhausted but enduring, I know at least things are going in the direction they need to…for now…

Whistle While You Work

Spent almost the entire day it seems, getting work done today.  I kind of missed being able to spread out my paperwork on the couch where I could see everything in front of me.  Aside from that, there’s not many better ways I can think of to they and make something positive happen right now after what has happened in the last few days.  Still haven’t put together a complete plan of attack, but at least for now, it looks like there are a number of options that may allow me to get through this and really be able to concentrate on what’s important:  doing the healing I needed to do before I ever met Bryan, take care of the healing that needs to be done now that I have him out of my life, and moving forward with a much better head on my shoulders now that I know I really wasn’t crazy when I thought some of the things I did all this time that he and Rob were teaming up against me to make me feel unwelcome and unsafe in my own home.  The hardest part for me right now is trying to figure out  how I let such a monster in my life so soon after I had just gotten away from one three and a half years ago, and what made me want to believe so badly that this wasn’t really who he is.  For as much as I know I was somewhat stuck here, with a lease in my name, and still no job to pay a wage that would keep me above ground, it saddens me that what kept the two of them here was the cheap rent and the entertainment value I provided for the games they were so cruel in playing.  In as much as I was hurting, though, I have been surrounded by some incredible friends who have been insistent in carrying this load with me until I am where I need to be.  And many of them are going through their own major struggles right now.    I keep coming back to this:  the friends that I am connecting with right now and that are giving me so much more that I even at times feel comfortable in accepting, are all here for me for a reason, and while I may not have the  financial resources to offer back to them, I hope I am giving them something that will continue to allow me to be among them.  We are the good people, and we may be struggling right now, but we are all doing it together, and it is the strength of that togetherness that is going to get us all through this very rough patch, and is going to keep us together to celebrate the good things that we will be ready for in our future.

The Short of the Long of it…

Keeping this short as it has been a long and exhausting 48 hours and I need sleep to get ready for all that now needs to get done in the upcoming days…

Bryan laid his hand on me.  He has been in a relationship with Rob for some time now.  All of this has been confirmed.  They are both staying elsewhere.  I have a lot that I need to do to resolve this.

I also have the most incredible friends to help me through it.  I am truly blessed.

Details of all, both recent past and all that is to come will be forthcoming.  I just need to document this reminder before sleep:  I am a good person and good things will happen for me, and I truly have the most wonderful loving friends that anyone could ever hope for.

So nice to have a real weekend…almost

Volunteered for the Mile High Mrder Mystery Race yesterday and had a lot of fun.  All the different stations seemed to have different drinking games, so didn’t feel bad that people were playing It Gets Dicey at ours.  The two best things about the day were that my station partner was Jami Duffy, the Executive Director for the Flobots, who do a lot of philanthropic work.  We got to talk for the better part of the day between race participants, and she gave me some really great feedback and advice.  They also had a leadership training program that they don’t use any  more and sounds a lot more technical and skill based than the curriculum I am putting together.  It sounds like, among other things, she is wiling to share her curriculum and materials with me as I am developing my curriculum!  The other part was that we were at they really cool bar called Prohibition, and where I will definitely go back to.

Today I am off in a little bit to meet with the Artistic Director of And Toto too Theatre Company, Susan Lyles, to get some paperwork from her that I want to have cleaned up before the next Board of Directors Meeting.  I serve as their Vice President, and have loved every minute of it so far.  It’s really nice to be working with a group where I was a total outsider, but that has welcomed me so well.

Tonight is confrontation night with Bryan.  Won’t go into the long sordid details, but needless to say, we blew up at each other on his way to work, which gives me a pretty clear indication that he has decided he no longer wants to be in this relationship:  a sentiment that I am pretty sure he felt several weeks ago, and which he has refused to resound in anything other than refusal when I ask  hm to start acting like he wants to be here.  More recently, he has even just ignored me  unless it is to criticize me, give me some sort of order, or create an uncomfortable situation for me.  I have been operating for the last week like I am single, even though I still have an offer on the table for him to stem up to my dam ends, which have now become itemized in a written letter after he walked out on a conversation with me last week.  I am also starting to look for a new place, for a variety of reasons, but eedless to say, whether Bryan comes with me oct not is not a factor I am currently considering in my search.

Tomorrow will be back to full time work all day long, ut I think  am going to surprise an old friend and go to a pot luck event she is hosting.  It has been really good to have a social weekend again.  I haven’t had one in a long time, and although my back steel feels awful, I feel a lot better.

How long does it take to start a blog?

Apparently for me, it takes two months.

Not bad, considering I am essentially starting all of them at the same time, along with one of them begin a professionally focussed topical blog about leadership.  This on top of  founding a nonprofit organization in January – and it’s still going.  Creation of TWO websites for the nonprofit, seating a board, already winning my first nationally competitive grant, and trying to do literally everything to become the best new nonprofit on the planet AND save my current relationship.

No really, I know nothing of how to burn the candle at both ends.

Feeling accomplished for some things, defeated in others, highly excitable about my professional potential to become explosively effective, and in part completely apathetic about the status of my personal life.  Looks like this Friday is going to be the start of a very long weekend…